Skip to main content

Full text of "WHO WAS WHO 5000 B. C. TO DATE: Biographical Dictionary Of The Famous And Those Who Wanted To Be"

See other formats 

The Project Gutenberg EBook of Who Was Who: 5000 B. C. to Date, by Anonymous 

This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with 
almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or 
re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included 
with this eBook or online at 

Title: Who Was Who: 5000 B. C. to Date 

Biographical Dictionary of the Famous and Those Who Wanted to Be 

Author: Anonymous 

Editor: Irwin L. Gordon 

Posting Date: August 10, 2008 [EBook #984] 

Release Date: July, 1997 

Language: English 

Character set encoding: ASCII 


Produced by Charles Keller 


Biographical Dictionary of the Famous and Those Who Wanted to Be 
By Anonymous 

Edited by Irwin L. Gordon 


THE editor begs leave to inform the public that only persons who can 
produce proper evidence of their demise will be admitted to Who Was Who. 
Press Agent notices or complimentary comments are absolutely excluded, 
and those offering to pay for the insertion of names will be prosecuted. 
As persons become eligible they will be included without solicitation, 
while the pages will be expurgated of others should good luck warrant. 

Who Was Who contains over 500 biographies of those who did or endeavored 
to become famous. In a work of such magnitude errors occasionally occur. 
Should this be the case, the editor will be glad to receive corrections 
from the ex-celebrities or their enemies. These will be accepted gratis. 
Proofs will be sent to all subscribers. Members of the family will be 
able to order the coming editions in advance by applying and remitting 

1 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

to the publisher. 

The work is fully protected by the libel laws of the United States and 
Great Britain. Under no circumstance will duels be fought. 

The editor wishes to express his thanks to those who have furnished 
material for this book. He also trusts they will show their good feeling 
by purchasing a copy, and that all the unfortunates will speedily be 
returned to Who's Who. 



A1 Can open charge account. 

A. B Four years hard sentence. 

A. M When we get up. 

Cit Common people. 

C. 0. D No credit. 

Cong A Washington organization used for social and 

investigation purposes. 

D. D Be careful of your jokes. 

Dem Politicians who get in office, once in awhile. 

D. H Pull. 

D. T Delirium tremens. 

Ets The rest of us. 

F. R. A Brains. 

F. R. G. S.. People who do not stay at home. 

G. 0. P Hie jacet. 

Hon Speaker of the occasion. 

H. R. H Chief advertiser for cigarettes, mustard and kid 

gloves . 

I Roosevelt. 

Incog Prominent men in Paris. 

IOU Hard luck. 

Ire Mother of politicians. 

LL. D American millionaires. 

M. P Home rule debaters. 

Pari Where the M. P.s debate. 

P. M When we go to bed. 

R. A Any kind of a painter but a cubist. 

Rep See G. 0. P. 

R. I. P See following pages. 

Sir Writers and tea merchants. 

U. S. A Bryan + Wilson. 


Bryan, William Jennings, of U. S. A. 

Cannon, Joseph G. , of U. S. Congress. 

Castro, Cipriano, of Venezuela Asphalt Trust. 
Cavalieri, Lina, of Paris and New York City. 

Cook, Doctor Fred. A., of New York City and Denmark. 
Dewey, George E., of U. S. N. 

2 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

Diaz, Perfiro, of Mexico. 

Din, Gunga, of Kipling. 

Dreyfus, Captain, of France. 

Fallieres, Armand, of the French Republic. 

Gorky, Maxime, of Russia. 

Hafid, Mulai, of Morocco. 

Hamed, Abdul, of Turkey. 

Hammerstein, Oscar, of New York City and London. 
Holmes, Sherlock, of Doyle. 

Huerta, V., General of Mexico. 

Irish Home Rule, of Ireland and London. 

Johnson, Jack, of U. S. A. 

Lloyd-George , David, of England. 

Manuel, King, of Portugal. 

Pankhurst, Mrs., of England. 

Patti, Adelina, of Wales. 

Roberts, Frederick S., of Kandohr . 

Rojesvensky, Admiral, of Russia. 

Roosevelt, Theodore, of "The Outlook." 

Shackelton, Earnest, of England. 

Shuster, Morgan, of Persia. 

Sulzer, William, of Tammany Fall. 

Taft, William Howard, of Cincinnati, U. S. A. 

Time, Father, of Everywhere. 

Turkey . 

Widow, Merry, of Paris, London, and New York City. 



ADAM ( 1 ) (last name unknown), ancestor, explorer, gardener, and 
inaugurator of history. Biographers differ as to his parentage. Born 
first Saturday of year 1. Little is known of his childhood. Education: 
Self-educated. Entered the gardening and orchard business when a young 
man. Was a strong anti-polygamist. Married Eve, a close relative. 
Children, Cain and Abel (see them). Was prosperous for some years, but 
eventually fell prey to his wife's fruitful ambitions. Lost favor of the 
proprietor of the garden, and failed in business. A. started a number of 
things which have not been perfected. Diet: Fond of apples. Recreation: 
Chess, agriculture. Address: Eden, General Delivery. Clubs: Member of 
all exclusive clubs. 

(1) Ed. Note: Adam should not be first, but he is given that position 
out of respect. 

ABEL, son of the above. Spent early days in the Garden of Eden with 
his parents, and later traveled with them. Conducted a sheep raising 
business. Finally had a row with his brother, and was knocked out in the 
first round. 

ABRAHAM, a patriarch whose descendants now own New York City, 

3 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

Jerusalem, vast sections of the remainder of the globe, and control the 
pawn-broking, diamond, theatrical, and old clothing markets. Camel and 
sheep merchant. Considerable land was willed him. A. prospered. Married 
Sarah (last name unknown). Marital infelicity followed, A. having an 
affair with Mrs. Abraham's maid. The woman was discharged, and the 
family lived happily ever afterward. Ambition: The chosen people. 
Recreation: Riding, tennis, camel racing. Address: Caanan. Clubs: 

ABRUSSI, Prince Luigi Amedeo Guiseppe Maria Ferdinando Francesco, of the 
Italian nobility. Spent the greater portion of his life taking care 
of his name, climbing mountains, fighting Turks, and denying rumors 
regarding his marriage. 

ACHILLES (first name unknown), a baby whose mother gave him a bath, but 
forgot to wash all of his feet. Later was veteran of the siege of Troy. 
Died before receiving pension. 

AESOP, novelist, nature faker. Little is known of his childhood except 
that he was fond of dogs and played with the cat. Later he made animals 
his life's study. A. discovered the zoological principal that a turtle 
can run faster than a rabbit, and that foxes never eat sour grapes. 
Publications: Fables; the book has had a good sale. Address: Greece. 
Clubs: Zoological Societies. 

ALADDIN, of Somewhere. An ancient who possessed a lamp and a genii with 
which he could secure anything an American millionaire or actress can 
now purchase. 

ALDRICH, Senator N. W. , architect of the Aldrich Plan, a system for 
removing the financial interests of the country from the common people 
and placing them in the hands of the few. 

ALPHONSO XIII, a king who enjoyed Paris without losing his job. 

AMUNDSON, Captain Roald, another pole discoverer. Away back in the year 
1912 he reached the south pole after a considerable journey through the 
Arctic regions. Like his predecessors he became an author and lecturer. 
Publications: The South Pole. Price, Pd2.2S in England; $10.50 in the 
U. S. Later A. retired and lived on his royalty. Ambition: A few more 
poles, a few more books. 

ANANIAS. See Dr. Cook and Roosevelt. 

ANDERSON, Mary, actress; one of the wisest women who ever lived. In the 
height of a brilliant stage career she fell in love, and decided that a 
quiet home with a husband and children was more to be desired than the 
empty plaudits of the crowd, and the attentions of stage-door Johnnies. 

ANGELO, Mike, painter and sculptor of no mean ability. Born in Italy, 
but named after Irish relatives. At school he showed his talents by 
making cartoons of the teachers. These were unappreciated. Moved to 
Florence, where he bought some chisels, brushes, and saw his first 
model. A. remained a bachelor. Later he moved to Rome, and began a 
brilliant church-decorating career. Secured permission of the Pope to 
give an exhibition in the Vatican. This was finally made permanent. 

Also made a fortune erecting tomb-stones for the Medici family, leading 
politicians of his time. It is difficult to leave Italy without seeing 
much of his work. A. never favored the cubists or post-impressionists. 
Recreations: Painting, sculpture. Address: Rome. 

4 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

ANTHONY, Saint, of Pauda. An Italian who visited Paris, and could not 
forget what he saw. 

ANTOINETTE, Marie, wife of Louis No. 15, who assisted her husband 
to spend the French taxes. Was also a practical joker, her humor 
terminating at Versailles when she advised a mob to eat cake during a 
bread famine. Her wit was unappreciated. Ambition: Anything but October 
16, 1791. Recreation: Versailles; looking through a grated window. 
Address: Versailles. Later: Consiergerie , Paris. 

APOLLO, a handsome ancient who fell in love, posed for his statues, 
patronized music and poetry, and, finally, had a table water named in 
his honor. Career: See longer and less respectable biographies. A. was 
the first person to sing to the accompaniment of a musical instrument, 
but he was a good singer. Ambition: Paris. Recreation: Music, travel, 
archery. Address: Greece. Clubs: Athletic, musical. 

ARC, Joan of, celebrated French suffragette. Spent girlhood milking cows 
and embroidering. When the English ministry began operations in France 
J. dropped her embroidery in the milk bucket and began suf f ragetting. 

She did not break windows or blow up anything. Gathered a host of males 
about her and captured towns. English exited. J. went back to the cow, 
but again had to take to the armor. She was finally jailed, and burnt 
up by the Radical ministry. She burned an old maid. Recreation: Barn 
dances, churning. Clubs: Orleans Suffragette. 

ARISTOTLE. Introduced brains into Greece. 

ARMOUR, a Chicago family who keep the world supplied with meat, and 
themselves out of the government jails. 

ARNOLD, Benedict, a man who sent his name down through history with a 
bad odor attached to it. 

ARTHUR, King, a very dead English sovereign who manufactured the Round 
Table, and did all the things a good English king should do. Little is 
known of his Prince of Waleshood. Was crowned in Westminster Abbey, but 
without the American contingent. Became proficient as a knight. Stayed 
away from the palace so much his queen began flirting. Al 1 s sword was 
a wonder. Press Agent: Lord Tennyson, recreation: Grailing. Address: 
Windsor, Buckingham. 

ASQUITH, Herbert Henry, an Englishman who helped run things in his 
country before 1908, and who ran things after 1908. Was also a 
favorite rallying point for suffragettes. Led a successful wing-dipping 
expedition against some of his countrymen who held titles to names 
and property. Also juggled dynamite in Parliament (see Lloyd-George ) . 
Ambition: Women without ambitions. Recreation: Dodging, golf. Address: 
Constantly in danger of a change. Clubs: Favored Radical. 

ATKINS, Thomas, celebrated red-coat -wearing dandy who flirts with nurses 
and cooks, spends his time boasting about South Africa and the U. S. A., 
posing for motion pictures, and exhibiting royalty. Authorities differ 
as to his marksmanship, although it is now conceded he can often hit a 
man-sized target at the distance of 4 feet 3 inches. Weather, however, 
must be clear. Is an authority on creases, backbone, accent, and tea. 
Beverage: Everything. Recreation: Jacks, collecting stamps, Kipling, 
blindman 1 s-buf f , parlor tricks. May-pole festivities. Ambition: 
Tortoise-shell monocles, camp manacurists, pocket bath-tubs, and 

5 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

restoration of the tea canteen. Epitaph: See Emperor William. 

ATLAS, a man who held up the heavens and was not even a preacher. Edited 
a huge book which bears his name. 

AURELIUS, Marcus, one of the few Romans who is not remembered for 
crossing a river, for being murdered, for murdering somebody, for making 
speeches, or building triumphant arches or ruins. 


BABY, T. H. E., an unscrupulous tyrant, s. father and mother. His first 
appearance caused heaven at home, and an idiotic father. Education: 

At home. Career: A series of adventures. Was frequently ill, a poor 
sleeper, toy demolisher, throat exerciser, nurse distractor, and a 
general nuisance. Despite his shortcomings he ruled Home with an 
iron hand — a tear caused a doctor — a smile meant a gold mine. Diet: 
Principally liquid. Ambition: The moon. Recreation: Coaching, hair 
pulling, a proud father. Address: See Mother. 

BACCHUS, patron saint of most men, benefactor, a jolly good fellow, and 
the founder of the "morning after" feeling. Studied vine raising when a 
young man. Discovered that grapes were not intended for a food. Invented 
the greatest pleasure and pain giver the world has ever seen. Became 
a traveler. Introduced ale and stout in England, whiskey in Scotland, 
everything in Ireland, cocktails and patent medicines in the United 
States, beer in Germany, champagne in France, absinthe in France, 
and vodka in Russia. Career: Magnificent. Recreation: Paris. Address: 
Greece. Clubs: All, except W. C. T. U. Epitaph: He Will Live In The 
Throats Of His Countrymen. 

BACON, Francis, either wrote or did not write Shakespeare. 

BAEDEKER, Karl, one of the most versatile men who ever lived. Childhood 
and old age unknown. Formed an ambition to travel when quite young. 

First visited Switzerland, where he climbed every peak, walked every 
path, hired every guide, and did everything a tourist should so. His 
field of travel widened until every country in Europe was visited, as 
well as the United States, Canada, Alaska, and Mexico. In these lands 
he slept in every hotel, ate every dish in every restaurant, drank every 
wine, rode on every boat, tramway, subway, and train; visited every 
ruin, museum, art gallery, church, store; mastered every language, 
science, art, literature, custom, history, and drew maps and plans 
of everything. Publications: Baedekers. Recreation: Staying at home. 
Ambition: Tourists. Residence: Germany. 

BALFOUR, Arthur James, of England, one time leader of the talking forces 
of the House of Commons. Ambition: Opposition seats on both sides of the 
house, and an epitaph over the home rule bill. Recreation: St. Andrew's 
golf and writing deep books. 

BALZAC, H., a Frenchman who wrote a few Parisian stories which may be 
discussed in respectable company. 

BARBAROSSA, Kaiser, the only emperor of Germany who ever went to sleep. 
BARKIS. Fame rested only upon his complete willingness. 

6 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

BARLEYCORN, John, an eminent citizen of the world. Spent early days in 
the fields, breweries, and distilleries. Later resided in cellars. John 
had a red nose. Was a great friend of Bacchus. He was a "wasser, " he 
is an "iser," and he will be a "will be-er." Ambition: The end of 
temperance societies. 

BARNUM, Phineas T., fathered the introduction of the peanut, the clown, 
and the beautiful bareback riders. As a side show he taught that some 
Americans were Progressives part of the time; that other Americans were 
Republicans all the time, but that all Americans were not Democrats all 
the time. 

BARRY, Madame Du, writers' model, former queen of France. Was a great 
friend of Louis XV. and helped make the dances at Versailles a success. 
She always preferred marcel waves to pompadours. Ambition: To have and 
to hold. Address: See Louis. Clubs: Anti-suffragette. 

BARTHOLOMEW, an unfortunate saint who was skinned alive. Patron of gold 
mine investors and American tourists in Europe. 

BEARD, Blue, inventor of an original method to dispose of wives, before 
Reno was discovered. 

BEATRICE, a Florentine girl who gained fame by refusing the suit of 
a love-sick poet. Later she conducted him through heaven, and made 
arrangements for his travels in the other place. B. died a famous old 
maid. Ambition: A lover with money. Epitaph: She Might Have Been Mrs. 
Dante Had She Wanted To. 

BEECHAM, a celebrated pill roller. 

BELL, Alexander Graham, inventor of a well-known necessity and nuisance. 
Started the saying, "Number, please." 

BELSHAZZAR, an old king whose handwriting on the wall proved to be 
correct . 

BENEDICT, Saint, the man who introduced benedictine and monks into 
Europe. Also gave his name to benedicts. 

BERLITZ, the man who will teach you how to say it in everything. 

BERNHARDT, Sarah, an ancient French actress. Sarah was born before birth 
records were inaugurated, and no historian has been able to determine 
her age. Career: On the stage at four months. During her young-woman 
and goodlooking days-hood B. is said to have made a hit with European 
nobility. In her declining years she made a few other fortunes in the 
United States. B.'s fame culminated in having several cigars, perfumes, 
perspiration powders, and a theatre named after her. Ambition: The 
fountain of youth. Recreation: Statuary, acting. Address: Private cars 
and 56 Blvd. Pereire, Paris. She also has a telephone. 

BILL, Buffalo, alias W. F. Cody, the delight of the American boy. He 
began his career shooting buffaloes and Indians on the plains of 
the West, and ended it shooting glass balls for a fortune in a tent. 
Installed the I-want-to-be-a-cow-boy ambition in the hearts of young 
America. He also made a goatee and a big hat famous. Played the show 
market a little too long. 

7 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

BILLIKEN, a funny little fellow who did not wear many clothes, and made 
people laugh. 

BISMARCK, a German who was a greater politician than any Ireland has 
ever produced. He built an empire, crowned an emperor, changed the 
Frenchmen in Alsace-Lorraine into Dutchmen, and made the Paris mint work 
overtime for his country. Quite unpopular in France. Ambition: Made in 
Germany . 

BLACKSTONE, a rock upon which many a legal ship has foundered. 

BLERIOT , benefactor of humanity, idol of the tourist, and enemy of 
navigation. B. discovered a method of crossing the English Channel 
without being seasick. 

BLUCHER, a Dutchman who was on the job at Waterloo. He also was not the 
only German general who ever fought France. 

BONAPARTE, Joe, just Nap.'s brother (see him). 

BONHEUR, Rosa, a lady French artist who wore men's clothes. Being an old 
maid, she painted animals, but never mastered the parrot or the cat. 

Her endeavors were confined to horses, and one of her paintings is 
considered fair. 

BOOTH, General William, founder of a vast army which never fought a 
battle, made a retreat, or surrendered. Conducted campaigns in Great 
Britain and the United States, with brass bands and collection devises. 
The army later became a suffragette institution when women were admitted 
as recruits, and placed as sentries to guard the Christmas-Easter 
collection forts. Publication: War Cry. Recreation: Reviewing troopers 
and troopesses. 

BOSWELL, Dr. Johnson's press agent (see the Doctor). 

BRADSTREET, author. Wrote a book in which he described your bank account 
and told how you paid your bills. His complimentary comments are highly 
valued . 

BRIEUX, Eugene, a seller of damaged goods who got away with it without 
being fined or driven out of business. 

BROWN, John, an American who helped start the Civil War by espousing the 
cause of the negro. This resulted in his body moulding in the grave. 

BROWN, Thomas, an Englishman who reversed the usual procedure of life by 
springing into print when young, and keeping out of it when old. 

BROWNING, Robert, a cryptogram writer whose poems are deciphered by the 
Bostonese and cultured English people. It has been estimated that B. 
could say more with fewer words and conceal his meaning better than any 
writer since the adaptation of the alphabet as a means of expression. 

BROWNING, Mrs., Bob's wife. She also wrote poems. They were easily 
understood, and consequently seldom read. 

BRUMMELL, Beau, a man whose thoughts were more for the crease in his 
pantaloons than for his head. 

BRUTUS, Et Tu, a Roman murderer. 

8 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

BRYAN, William Jennings, a famous Chatauqua lecturer who ran a newspaper 
and the State Department on the side. Archaeologists claim B. formed 
a passion to rule the nation when a child. He only got as far as the 
Democratic party and platforms. Became a golden orator with a silver 
speech and offered himself as a rectifier of all things not Bryan. For 
ages his name was placed on the presidential ballot and later removed. 
Made a fortune by telling people why they did not elect him. Also toured 
the world, but shot no game in Africa or Monte Carlo. Was the father of 
Bryanism, an odious word meaning things Bryan. Later secured one Wilson 
to attend to Washington detail work. Motto: All things come to him with 
bait. Ambition: Short ballot with one name. Publications: The Commoner, 
a newspaper devoted to Bryan advertisements. Address: Mail forwarded 
from Washington. Epitaph: He Will Rise Again. 

BUCHANAN, J. C., manufacturer of the Scotchman's delight and weakness. 

He showed the world the excellence of two colors, and caused many a man 
to lose the keyhole. 

BUDDHA, a prince of India who tired of good times and turned reformer. 
Advised his congregations to adopt the recall and referendum. Nailed 
several anti-saloon and burlesque planks in his platform. After B.'s 
death his friends filled the Orient with his bronzes. He was fat and 
wore a fascinating wart on his forehead. 

BULL, John, a fine, fat, American-beef fed individual who inhabits 
a suffragette-infested island somewhere in the North Atlantic. Born 
several hundred years ago and is beginning to show his age. Is fond 
of the sea and is said to have a fine fleet. This has had off years, 
notably 1812. B. has had trouble with a son who wishes to leave the 
paternal protection. Is fearless except when faced by a hunger strike, 
the Pankhurst family, and thoughts of Germany. Patronizes a costly 
social organization known as the Royal Family, or a reception committee 
for American heiresstocracy , which also dedicates buildings, poses for 
stamps, post-cards, motion pictures and raises princesses of Wales for 
magazine articles and crowning purposes. B. is a monitor of English 
style; wears a monocle, spats, 'i 'at, cane, pipe, awful accent, and 
never makes his appearance without a cawld bawth. He detests the word 
"egotism." Is a celebrated humorist, seeing through all jokes but 
himself. Ambition: ' Ome sweet 'Ome. Recreation: Tea, Week Ends. Address: 

Hingland. Clubs: Policemen's, Golf, Jockey, and Suffrage. Epitaph: See 
Emperor William Again. 

BURNS, Robert, surnamed "Bobby," a Scotch bard who wrote love poems 
about his sweetheart. He thus performed two remarkable feats — making 
poetry in the Scotch language, and finding a girl in Scotland who was as 
beautiful as his lines declare. 

BUTTERFLY, Madame, a little Japanese lady whose child has remained the 
same size and age for the past eight years. 

BYRON, Lord, an Englishman who swam rivers, was wise enough to get away 
from the London weather, helped kindle Greek fire, and wrote poems. 


CAESAR, Julius, school book writer, river crosser, and a great 

9 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

politician who was not born in Ireland. Entered Roman politics as 
the leader of the Gang. Was active in military affairs. Became a fair 
general despite his poor service training. Desired to write a book. 

Began by taking an army and capturing Europe and England. He did not 
waste his time with Scotland or Ireland. C. made a river famous by 
crossing it, and finally included Rome in his history of victories. 
Became popular with the voters, but had trouble with the Senate. Wrote 
books and paid his debts. Was finally attacked by a few vested-interest 
senators, and stabbed by a chum. The murderer was caught, but escaped 
the gallows. C. was honored with one of the finest funeral orations over 
delivered over a corpse. He was also awarded a few triumphant arches. 
Publications: Omnes Gallia est divisa in tres parses. Ambition: Rome: 
Address: Capitol, Rome. Clubs: Gladiators, Vestal. Was also a member of 
the Society for the Protection of Roman Ruins. Epitaph: Veni, Vidi. 

CAIN, one of our ancestors of whom we do not brag. 

CANNON, Honorable Joseph G. , late of the Speaker's Chair, House of 
Representatives, Washington, U. S. A. For centuries C. occupied the 
chair, and tenderly protected poor railroads and trusts from the unkind 
remarks of congressmen who knew things and him. Was finally retired 
from the chair by the Democrats, and from Congress by his constituents. 
Grave: 1912 election. Heir: Champ Clark. Ambition: Those good old trusty 
days once more. Address: The Far Back Woods. Epitaph: R. I. P. 

CANUTE, a king of England who proved the theory that the ocean could 
wave at him. 

CARLOS, Don, a man who does not believe a head is uneasy which wears a 
crown. Ambition: Royal Palace, Madrid. Address: Northern Spain. 

CARMEN, celebrated Spanish flirt. She worked in the government tobacco 
factory at Seville until a clever writer and a musician rescued her. 

Went on the stage. Has appeared in most of the cities throughout the 
world, made love to several singers, and then been killed by a bull 
fighter after singing her way through five acts. 

CARNEGIE, Andrew, or "Andy," or the Laird of Skibo. A fine old American 
who went about giving away libraries, advice, peace buildings, and 
advertising armor plate. When a young Scotchman he scotched his three 
dollars a week and purchased the steel trust. Later retired. Ambition: 
Universal peace with all dreadnaughts steel trust armored. Also a 
library in every town. Recreation: Telling young men how to scorn 
the root of all fortunes. Also receiving university degrees. Address: 
University commencement platforms. New York City and Scotland. 

CARTER, a doctor who wants everybody to have liver trouble. 

CARUSO, Enrico, millionaire opera singer, who appeared in the Victor 
Talking Machine and New York City. Always had a cold or a sore throat, 
a condition which assisted materially in filling the house. Like all his 
contemporaries, C. has been sued for divorce and breach of promise, has 
lost his jewelry, visited zoological gardens, sung for charity, given 
farewell concerts, and done other things to help his newspaper and 
box-office reputation. 

CASTELLINE , Count Boni Di, a French gold prospector who was successful 
for a time in the U. S. 

CASTOR, one of Leda 1 s twins. Also invented an oil (see Pollux). 

10 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

CASTRO, Cipriano, of Venezuela. First man to introduce American-Irish 
politics into South America. Acquired a fortune, which was greatly 
increased by a personal friendship with the American asphalt trust. 

Was revolutioned a few times, and finally escaped with the mint and his 
life. Career: Dangerous. Ambition: Subjects without guns? and a New York 
police force in his country. Recreation: Taxes. Address: ? 

CHAMBERLAIN, Joe A., of England. A former Lloyd-George of the Treasury, 
who had different ideas of taxation. 

CHARON, ferryman. Never had a childhood. Devoted life to his business. 
Has navigated more people than all the Atlantic liners combined. 
Ambition: A launch. Recreation: None. Address: The Styx. 

CHAUCER (first name unknown), an early experimenter in the English 
language. Notorious as a bad speller. His best-known work is used as 
a student puzzle in leading universities and colleges. Ambition: A 
typewriter and a dictionary. 

CHINAMAN, John, a well-known character in the U. S. who washed clothes, 
and made chop suey until he had enough money to return to his native 
land, purchase a few wives, and live in opium. 

CHURCHILL, Winston, wrote books for a living. 

CHURCHILL, Winston, did not write books for a living. 

CINCINNATUS, of Rome, who left his plow to make his share in politics. 
Later inaugurated the back- to-the-f arm movement. 

CINDERELLA, the only scullion maid who had a small foot and two sisters 
in society. Historians have questioned her claims to fame, but they may 
easily be substantiated by millions of children. 

CLAUS, Santa, poor father. 

CLEOPATRA, of Egypt. A queen who presented England with a threadless 
needle, fell in love with some foreigners, was unsuccessful in her love 
and naval affairs, and finally became a mummy through the auspices of an 
adder. Ambition: An Egyptian St. Patrick. Also Royal lovers. Recreation: 
Barging with Anthony. Epitaph: Pyramid. 

CLIMBERS, T. H. E., an American man and woman who had money and 
ambition. Spent the early portion of their lives gathering cash, and 
the later in spending it. Were welcomed by many people, but never quite 
reached the top. Both died trying to get there. Ambition: An English 
nobleman in the family. Recreation: Paris, London, and Switzerland. 
Address: See Recreation. Clubs: All, with the exception of the ones they 
wanted . 

COLE, King, a merry old monarch of the Kingdom of Childhood. Great 
smoker, and was fond of the bowl. Recreation: Fiddlers. 

COLEMAN, a man whose invention has caused tears and throat burnings. 

COLUMBUS, Christopher, map enlarger, skipper. Said to have been born in 
Genoa. Something made him believe the world was round. He endeavored 
to secure money to prove his theory, but nobody cared whether he was 
correct or not. Realizing there was no capital or prophet in his own 

11 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

country, he took passage to Spain. There he inveigled Isabella into 
equipping an expedition for him to discover America. She did and he 
did. Ambition: To keep New York City in the family. Recreation: Deck 
shuffle-boards, dreaming. Address: San Salvatore. Clubs: Palos Yacht. 

COMPANY, T. H. E., a man and woman who invariably called when we were 
taking a nap or dressing. Charming conversationalists. Recreation: Tea. 
Ambition: An invitation to dinner. 

CONFUCIUS, A Chinese preacher of note. Lived some 500 years B. C. and 
taught the chinks the art of joss making, and how to do things backward. 
He also was the founder of ancestor worship. This still is practiced 
in England, but never in the United States or Australia. Recreation: 
Fireworks. Ambition: A Chinese laundry in every city. Epitaph: More 
Ma jorum. 

CONQUEROR, Will The, of Normandy. Wrote "Hastings" and "1066" in all 
history books. 

COOK, T. H. E., Lord of the Household. Entered the kitchen at a tender 
age. Soon acquired considerable weight in person, and in the management 
of the house. When she departed there was weeping, and wailing, and 
waiting. Diet: Usually large and everything of the best. Ambition: An 
American policeman, or Thomas Atkins. Recreations: Days off. Address: 

The whole house. 

COOK, Captain, a real explorer who discovered the Sandwich Islands and 
who took the first Cook's tour around the world. 

COOK, Doctor Frederick A. , an explorer who said he discovered the north 
pole, but nobody believed him. (See Peary.) 

COOK, Tom, celebrated ticket seller, author of captivating travel 
literature, and a tour arranger who guarantees to save you money. Owns 
and operates the Nile and Mount Vesuvius. Publications: The Come On 
Books. Ambition: Those Americans who want to see everything. Also "first 
timers." Address: Any foreign city equipped with tourists. 

COOK (first name not known), son of the above, who helps his father save 
money for the tourist. He is called "fils" in Paris. 

COPPERFIELD , Dave, one of Dickens' friends who assisted him in building 
a reputation. 

CORBETT, James J. , known as "gentleman Jim," one-time champion fighter 
of the world, and a "has been" for whom everybody has a good word. Many 
persons wish he might be the Corbett he used to be. Ambition: A white 
champion . 

CORELLI, (2) Marie, an old-maid authoress who wrote delightful love 
scenes. She is said to have written some books which brought her fame 
and royalty. C. does not approve of society except her own. She remains 
secluded with her typewriter at Mason Croft, Stratford-on-Avon, only 
being seen by her publishers and the editor. Publications: See 
book stores and railway stations. Recreation: Flowers. Clubs: All 
anti-suffragette . 

(2) Ed. Note: The editor hopes to remove this name before the next 
edition. Its insertion is entirely due to the machinations of book 
reviewers, who claim Miss Corelli's books have fallen into the "was" 

12 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

class. The editor never contradicts a book reviewer. 

COXEY, General, leader of the only non-militant army in the world which 
did not take up collections or give away Christmas dinners. 

CRITIC, Dramatic, a notorious prevaricator who tells the world to 
see all the shows, and thus preserves the advertising column for his 
employers . 

CROESUS, an ancient John D. Rockefeller, who became wealthy without 
trusts, the Supreme Court, or the stock market. 

CROKER, Dick, ex-king of New York City. Born in Ireland of Irish 
parents. From childhood he practiced the art of politics, which resulted 
in his gaining the friendship of the New York police force. C. was 
elected. C. was very poor. Later retired to his native land with two 
Atlantic liners filled with salary. Ambition: An Irish president. 
Recreation: English Derbys. Address: Ireland. Clubs: 1,100,000 New York 
Democratic . 

CROMWELL, Oliver, a militant Presbyterian who entered politics, and went 
about England tearing down churches. He also assisted in putting 
King Charles I. out of his pleasure. Ran things in England on a 
ref orm-Cromwell basis, and after his death was honored by having his 
round head placed as a decoration over Westminster Hall. 

CRUSOE, Robinson, F. R. G. S., traveller and autobiographer. Visited a 
sparsely-settled island in the Pacific Ocean; talked to parrots; found 
some footprints; rescued Friday, and returned to England to become an 
author . 

CUPID, Daniel, a cute little fat fellow who called on every one at least 
once. Born shortly after Adam, and is still up to mischievous tricks. It 
was he who made kings fall in love with poor country girls; chauffeurs 
with their ladies, and beggars with princesses. C. held all men and 
women equal provided they were good, and he made the happiest people 
on earth when they listened to his voice. He witnessed several 
international engagements, but did not like them, as the contestants 
gave him a black eye. He also was responsible for mothers-in-law. Some 
roads he made very rough, but C. always was a good guide. At times he 
caused pain, but he said it never was his fault. When C. stayed in a 
house the sun was always shining. You should be at home when he calls. 
Ambition: That sigh. Recreation: Archery. Address: Perhaps you know. 
Clubs: None. He prefers the fireside and moonlight nights. 

CURIE, Madame, one of the few women who got her name in print without 
being a suffragette or an actress. 

CZAR. See Russia. 


DANIEL, ancient lion tamer. Also performed the difficult feat of 
remaining in a fiery furnace without his family applying for the 
insurance . 

13 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

DANTE, of Italy, architect of the under world, journalist, lover, and 
poor politician. Wrote articles for magazines, but used too much slang. 
Later fell in love. The girl (see her) knew what journalists were, and 
refused to spoon. Exasperated, he began a bombardment of poetry. That 
settled it. D. then entered politics. Soon learned they did not mix 
with love and his business. Both he and his manuscripts were banished. 
Traveled in Italy in the interests of safety. Posed for his bust 
while suffering with a bad attack of dyspepsia. Publications: Poems, 
tragedies, and comedies (?). Ambition: To be Beatrice's Romeo. 
Recreation: Travel. Address: II via Dante, Florence. Seldom at home. 

DANTON, the man who wound up France before the revolution. 

DARLING, Grace, a light-house keeper's daughter who showed the world 
that a woman may fear a mouse, but not a tempest. One of the truly brave 
who did not receive a Carnegie advertisement. 

DARWIN, Charlie, a well-known enemy of preachers. He discovered that 
many men looked like their progenitors, and proved his theories with the 
exception of one link. The clergymen claimed that a chain with one link 
missing was no chain, and that D. was a nature faker. Publications: 
Origin of Species, a valuable book, even if it does fail to explain the 
currency bill. 

DAUGHTER, Pharaoh's, an Egyptian princess, who took a bath, and rescued 
little Moses from the bull rushes. (See Mose.) 

DAVID, King, or "Dave," shepherd, writer, musician, champion sling shot, 
and politician. Son of poor parents. Entered army as a volunteer, and 
was awarded medals for his attack upon Goliath. Appointed musician 
to the royal household. Became friendly with the Prince of Wales and 
succeeded in doing him out of the coronation. Later was elected king. 
Fell in love with Mrs. (name not mentioned by newspapers). Gave her 
husband a conspicuous position in the army. Married her. Heir: Sol. 
Publications: Psalms. Recreation: Slinging. Address: Jerusalem. 

DEATH, a hideous man who called at least once during a lifetime, usually 
toward the close. Patron of insurance companies. Nothing is known of his 
childhood. Historians claim he never had any. Possessed an ugly face; 
wore a sheet over his head, and always carried a scythe in his hands. 
Never brought happiness, although his visits frequently gave money to 
some one. Never could be bribed to pass a house he wished to enter. Many 
doctors and scientists have endeavored to kill him, but he continues 
to be a safe bet at 100 to 1. Heir: None. Ambition: A happy home and 
prosperous graveyards. Recreation: Sharpening scythes. Address: Always 
hung out a black cloth wherever he resided. 

DELILAH, friend of Samson, and quite a dip. She also accompanied Samson 
on a number of European and American opera expeditions. 

DELMONICO, founder of a Fifth Avenue New York City cafe, where the cost 
of living has ever been high. He introduced the French menu into the U. 
S. and with it considerable indigestion. 

DEMOSTHENES, an old Greek talker. 

DENIS, Saint, a saint with an Irish name who made good in France. 

DEPEW, Chauncey M., an ancient railroad-wealthy U. S. Senator from the 
state of New York. He made after-dinner speeches, dedicated monuments; 

14 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

married a young wife, and was relegated to obscurity by the American 
voters . 

DESDEMONA, of Venice. A lady whose handkerchiefs cost more than her 
clothes . 

DESLYS, G. ( a French dancer who had sufficient charm to attract a royal 
press agent, who could draw crowds and a big salary. 

DEVIL, see Old Nic. 

DEWAR, John, inventor of a popular Scotch beverage without which no cold 
day is complete. 

DEWEY, George E., a former American hero who totally destroyed a Spanish 
armada in Manila Bay. He received the homage of a nation; had cigars 
named after him; appeared in Who's Who; was paraded through the streets; 
married a widow; moved to Washington; got in bad with the inhabitants, 
and got out of the newspapers. 

DIANA, an ancient sportswoman who loved fox hunting, hounds, and the 
chase without the conventionalities of a society hunt. Address: Ephesus. 

DIAZ, Porfiro, former king and political leader of Mexico, who departed 
from the social functions of a king to assist the government. 

Legends prevail to the effect that he patterned his actions on a 
Napoleon-Roosevelt policy. He also was requested to move. Ambition: A 
revolution with himself on top. Recreation: The fandango. Address: Fifty 
years in the White House of Mexico. Epitaph: Wilson Never Bothered Me. 

DICE, see Thomas and Harry. 

DICE, Diamond, American ten-cent adventurer; friend of the messenger 
boys and embryo criminals. His biography formed an important part in the 
lives of the boys who never visited the Carnegie libraries. 

DICKENS, Charles, an English writer who wrote. 

DIN, Gunga, a limpin' lump of brick dust, water carrier. Employed in 
H. R. H. service in India. Wore few clothes. Fought in many battles. 
Frequently gave bad water to soldiers. Rescued Thomas Atkins, but was 
shot while in the act. Saved the government the price of a medal. His 
pathetic story was widely published. Later it fell into disfavor in the 
U. S. and Great Britain, it now being considered a crime to recite the 
story. Ambition: To come back like Sherlock Holmes. Recreation: Sleep. 
Address: Care of biographer. 

DIOGENES, the most foolish man who ever lived. He endeavored to 
find something with a lantern which could not even be located with a 
searchlight. Ambition: A brighter lantern. Recreation: Cleaning globes. 
Address: Tub. Epitaph: Here Lies A Man Who Attempted The Impossible. 

DISRAELI, a Hebrew who gave up the trades of his ancestors to run 

DOE, John, an honest man who was defrauded out of millions by persons 
who forged his name. 

DOODLE, Yankee, American horseman who made people take off their hats, 
shout, and whistle when he rode into town. 

15 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

DORCAS, a modiste who founded the church gossip societies. 

DOWIE , alias Elijah II, a celebrated Chicago divine who showed the world 
how easily some people were deprived of their money and religion. 

DRAKE, Francis, an English admiral who did not have a public square 
named after him. D. also introduced the spud into Ireland. 

DREAMER, T. H. E., castle builder. Lived long ago, and intended doing 
something to-day. Spent much time thinking about the best girl in the 
world. A great friend of Procrastinator. Went through life waiting for 
to-morrow. Several men, however, with the same name, have awakened and 
given their dreams to the world (see Columbus, etc., and Lady Macbeth). 

DREW, John, prehistoric American actor. 

DREYFUS, Captain, founder of the Dreyfus Case. Got out of jail by being 
one of the few innocent men who got into print. 

DUFF, Mac, a Scotchman who gained fame because he was a good layer on. 

DUMPTY, H., celebrated accident victim. Fell from a wall at an early age 
and never recovered, despite the services of specialists. 

DUN, another man whose word of commendation will enable you to open a 
charge account. 


EASTMAN, George, inventor of the brownie camera and the most expensive 
sport on earth. Ambition: The kodak fiend, tourists. Address: Rochester 
and London. Clubs: Camera. 

EDDY, Mrs., of Boston, Mass., U. S. A., a lady who made millions 
by telling the world there was no such thing as the toothache, 
sea-sickness, or hitting your thumb with a hammer. 

EDISON, Thomas, an American who invented everything with the exception 
of the sun dial. Pear's soap, and the Gillette razor. 

EIFEL, a Frenchman who built the second tower of Babel, but who was wise 
enough to stop before he got too high. 

EIGHTH, Henry the, suitor, blue beard, and church builder. When a young 
man he became a benedict, a condition in which he remained until well 
along in years. As fast as a queen appeared at the breakfast table with 
her hair down her back, she was dispatched to the block. A couple of 
queens got ahead of him. Was nearly as successful in obtaining divorces 
as Napoleon, of France, and American millionaires. In his later years 
he competed against the Pope in England. Ambition: A harem. Recreation: 
Spooning. Dreams: Bad. Address: Windsor. 

ELGIN, Lord, the man who rolled the Elgin marbles from Greece to the 
British Museum. Also had something to do with the interior of watches. 

ELIJAH, a prophet of old who was fond of ravens (not red). Later he went 

16 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

somewhat out of his line, but succeeded as a chariot driver. 

ELIZABETH, Queen, called "Bess" by Raleigh and the rest of the boys. E. 
reigned when people did things. She was wooed and lost by an Armada (see 
Philip II). She finally walked over Raleigh's coat, and later wiped 
her feet on him. E. had a sister by the name of Mary, who was better 
looking, and less fortunate. E. was queen when the pipe was introduced 
into England. Other and less important events of her reign were: 
Shakespeare, Spenser, and Virginia. Died an old maid. Heir: She did not 
have any . 

ELLIOT, George, a lady who wore a man's name and wrote books. 

EMANUEL II, Victor, the original of the statues in every town of Italy; 
a king with ambitions, who was wise enough to entrust his affairs to a 
brainier man, and was thus made famous (see Girabaldi) . 

EMERSON, Ralph Waldo, American writer who inspired his readers to 
conquer the world. Several have failed. Also advised the practical 
theory of hitching your wagon to the stars. Lived before the time of the 
taxi . 

EPICURUS, an ancient who believed that pain was unpleasant and that 
pleasure was good. His descendants live in expensive hotels and eat only 
in high-class restaurants. Many suffer with the gout. A popular cat foot 
was named in his honor. 

ESAU, an ancient who sold his birthright for a mess of breakfast food. 

ESTHER, Queen, a beautiful lady who triumphed over the villain of the 
book, married the hero, and lived happily ever afterward. 

EUCLID, an old Greek who made poor students read his book as far back 
as 300 B. C. He discovered the phenomenon that the shortest distance 
between two points is a crow's flight, and that two parallel lines 
always compete. 

EVE, see Mrs. Adam. 

EYRE, Jane, an old maid school teacher, who married a rich husband after 
the fashion of books. 


FAGAN, the Hebrew benefactor of Oliver Twist, whose name did not fit his 
religion . 

FAHRENHEIT, inventor of an instrument which enables a person to 
ascertain whether the weather is warm or cold. 

FAILURE, T. H. E., a failure. Supposed to have idled away his younger 
days. Believed to have dissipated. Said not to have applied himself to 
school or business. Found fault with life and everybody, but was never 
wrong himself. Unpopular. A great blamer. A lover of revolvers, rivers, 
and the poor house. Frequently seen in the under world. Ambition: The 
other fellow. Recreation: Too much. Address: All large cities. Clubs: 
None. Epitaph: Here Lies A Man Who Never Really Tried. 

17 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

FALLIERES, Armand, occupied a prominent position in the French 
government for seven years. One of the most distinguished of the vast 
collection of ex-presidents now scattered over the world. 

FALSTAFF, a celebrated drunk. 

FASHION, Dame, heart breaker, bank account ruiner, and patron saint of 
French shop-keepers. She went about the large stores changing the cut of 
ladies' clothes and the shape of their hats. Created some awful 
looking things. F. made the poor men work very hard to keep up to her. 
Publications: Editor of all Ladies' Magazines. Address: Paris, London, 
and New York City. Epitaph: (Would that she had one.) 

FAUST, chemist, traveler. A gay old man who fell in love during his 
second young manhood, traveled in a warm country, and sang his way to 
fame . 

FAWES, Guy, a man who attempted to make an impression in Parliament 
without introducing home rule or suffrage bills. 

FINN, Hue, a bosom friend of Thomas Sawyer (see Tom). 

FITZIMMONS, Robert, an obsolete fighter who wishes he could rub the 
black spot from the ring. 

FLETCHER, the inventor of chewing. 

FLORADORA, an American chorus girl, who was some popular with the men. 
She appeared in all large cities with the best looking chorus that ever 
wore tights. F. created such a sensation that every living actress of 
note is willing to be classified as a former member of her company. Had 
a miserable cigar named after her. Ambition: Revival. Grave: New York 
City. Epitaph: There Were Not Many Like Flora. 

FOGG, P., The man Jules Verne sent around the world in sixty days for a 
big sale. 

FOOL, A., a spendthrift lover. Fell in love with an unintelligent woman 
and one who never could understand. Followed his natural bents, even 
as you and I. Wasted several years. Wept profusely. End unknown. 
Recreation: Vampires. Epitaph: He Was Not The Only One. 

FRANKLIN, Benjamin, one of the few Americans endowed with brains. He 
discovered that lightning was composed of electricity, that politics 
paid better than printing, and that the French Court was more lively 
than the Continental Congress. 

FRERES, Pathe, patron of the motion picture fanatics. 

FRIEND, A., the scarcest thing on earth. A rare visitor, but he came 
around a few times in a lifetime. F. was glad to know of your success, 
pitied you in your failures, and shook you by the hand when you were 
down and out. Never borrowed money, but he frequently lent it. Was a 
wise counsellor. Very popular. His name was frequently given the baby 
(see Mischief). Ambition: The other fellow's welfare. Recreation: At 
the other fellow's house. Address: The other fellow's house or his own. 
Clubs: All. 

FRITCHIE , Barbara, a Southern target. Sprang into poetry as the only 

18 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

woman in the history of mankind who admitted her old age. 

FULTON, Robert, inventor. Another brainy American who made a fortune for 
the Cunard and White Star lines. 


GABRIEL, A., trumpeter. Entered history at an early date as the agent 
for the Garden of Eden. Compelled the Adam family to move. Historians 
claim he will again be in Who's Who when St. Peter (see him) makes the 
inventory. Ambition: Larger lungs. Recreation: Aviation. 

GAINSBOROUGH, T. R. A., a versatile English hat and portrait 
manufacturer . 

GALILEO, inventor, star gazer. Proved himself an imbecile by declaring 
the world revolved when everybody knew it was stationary. Manufactured 
the first spy-glass, an instrument which has since been used in theatres 
and for various other purposes. Also discovered that clocks were 
equipped with pendulums. 

GANGSTER, T. H. E., a politician known as a "progressive" when out of 
office . 

GARDEN, (3) Mary, a clever actress who succeeded on the opera stage. 
Legend has it that Mary possessed a fine voice as a child. This was 
expensively cultivated in Europe, was later exposed before English 
and American congregations, and her Sapho-Salome-Thais-Carmen costumes 
packed the houses. Ambition: Less wealth and more throat. She also wants 
a husband with a soul. Recreation: Being presented with opera houses and 
suppers. Residence: Principally Atlantic liners. 

(3) Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement. 

GARIBALDI, G., the George Washington of Italy without the tea party. 

He espoused the cause of Victor Emmanuel (see Victor), and successfully 
Bismarcked the Italian States. Slept in every town in his country, ran 
second to V. E. in the number of statues erected to his appearance, and 
for three years held the championship for eating spaghetti. 

GARRICK, an old English matinee idol. 

GATLING, R. J., he was considered a big gun. 

GAUL, Dying, a brave soldier who posed for his statue when mortally 

GEORGE I, King of England, 1660-1727. Permitted the whigs in general, 
and one Walpole in particular, to run England. 

GEORGE II, King of England, 1683-1760. Held a few wars. 

GEORGE III, King of England, 1736-1820. Lived during the reign of 
William Pitt, and believed in taxing tea. 

GEORGE IV, husband of Queen Mary (see front pages of our contemporary 

19 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

Who ' s Who ) . 

GEORGE-LLOYD, Dave, a well-known cigar, English politician. Entered 
politics via a newspaper, clever speeches, and votes. Was a modest 
member of the House of Commons, seldom speaking more than four times on 
any bill. Kept climbing until he became under secretary of something, 
order keeper of the Board of Trade, and finally occupied a prominent 
position in the Exchequer. Assisted the Primer to grasp the Irish home 
rule millstone, and hung on without a gurgle. Ambition: A dynamite-proof 
house, a tax on air. Recreation: (see Asquith). Address: Front row House 
of Commons. Clubs: Anti-conservative. 

GIBSON, Charles Dana, American artist who pleased the old inhabitants 
before the market was so wet. 

GILLETTE, manufacturer of a well-known Christmas present which cuts 
barbers out of their tips, and is deucedly annoying to clean. 

GIRL, The Chorus, Urn! 

GLADIATOR, Dying, another brave artists' model. 

GLADSTONE, W. E., a grand old man who twice premiered England, chopped 
trees, and failed to make accurate measurements with the Irish home 
rule . 

GLYNN, E., an old maid authoress who knew things. Wrote a book which 
everybody tells the rector they have not read, and then re-reads it 
when the doors are locked. In the United States a law has been passed 
compelling booksellers to include a bottle of disinfectant whenever a 
G. book is sold. Ambition: A publisher who is not afraid of the police. 
Recreation: Reading her own books. Address: Probably Paris. Clubs: 

Always blackballed. 

GOAT, T. H. E., the one who purchased this book. 

GODIVA, Lady, horsewoman whose costume rivalled many exhibited at the 
Paris horseshow. Many said her habit was out of sight. 

GOETHE, a Dutchman who succeeded in making a few German words rhyme. 

GOLIATH, ancient heavyweight champion, who was knocked out in one round 
by a lightweight. Defeat attributed to overconfidence. Friends said 
nothing like that had ever entered his head. 

GOODWIN, Nathaniel, an American who was opposed to Mormonism, but who 
adopted it on a progressive and newspaper scale. 

GOOSE, Mother, a fine old lady who was loved by all, but who told some 
awful untruths to the innocent. 

GORDON, I. L., editor of Who Was Who. Probably the greatest writer who 
ever lived. Spent early childhood in infancy. At the age of fourteen 
began shaving and wearing long trousers. At twenty-one G. was considered 
of age. Began writing while a child. Penmanship so poor he took to the 
typewriter. Wrote Who Was Who with hope someone would purchase it. Some 
one did. Ambition: (He considers this personal and will not be quoted. ) 
Recreation: Looking for publishers. Address: Paris when financially 
able. Other times in one of those confounded newspaper offices. 

20 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

GORKY, M., a resident of Russia who became unpopular with the government 
and moved. He endeavored to make a lecture tour of the United States 
accompanied by another man's wife. Learned that this was not the usual 
custom in America. His managers and hotel proprietors requested him to 
continue his travels. Ambition: A czarless Russia; less fussy people. 
Publications: Much unpatriotic literature. 

GRAY, the man who wrote a clever cemetery poem, the first line of which 
is remembered by everybody. 

GREAT, Peter the, shipbuilder, and the only ruler of Russia who never 
was bombarded. Was also unique in the fact that he worked. Historians 
claim this was due to his poor salary. 

GROAT, John, proprietor of a celebrated house located some distance from 
Land's End. 

GUILLOTIN , Doctor, a French inventor of a popular method of 
decapitation, who had such confidence in his invention that he was the 
first to give it a practical demonstration. 

GULLIVER, a Munchausen-Doctor Cook-Peary traveler who never submitted 
his proofs, but who found a credulous publisher and a gullible public. 
Never lectured. 


HAFID, Mulai, a sultan of Morocco, who succeeded in abdicating before he 
was abdicated. 

HAGAR, Miss, Abraham's wife's maid who nearly broke up a happy family. 

HAHNEMANN, Doctor, of Leipsig, discovered the sugar pill and called it 

HAM, second officer and engineer of the Ark. 

HAMED, Abdul, a retired professor of diplomacy, champion promiser, and 
a sick man. When a youth he began instructing the monarchs of Europe 
in the use of a government. One of his favorite pastimes was reading 
ultimatums. Fearless until a warship entered the harbor, and even then 
usually got rid of it with promises. Employed massacres to break the 
monotony of reigning. Acquired as fine a harem as ever sat on silk 
cushions. Some of H.'s younger subjects though he should be ostlerized 
(see Dr. Ostler). They gave him his harem and salary, and locked him up 
in a palace. Then the wise ones lost Tripoli and about everything but 
sleeping room in Europe. Motto: I told you so. Ambition: To be back on 
the job. Recreations: Private entertainments. Address: Harem. Epitaph: 
Everybody Worked But Father. 

HAMLET, a Dane who had difficulty with an auxiliary verb. Also founded 
the foolish questions. 

HAMMERSTEIN, Oscar, an opera broker who inflicted himself, high prices, 
and buildings upon certain communities. 

HANDEL, placed "Handel's Largo" on the music stands. Also wrote a few 

21 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

other airs. 

HARRY. (See Thomas and Richard.) 

HARVARD, John, an Englishman who founded a great American university 
near the cultured town of Boston, Mass., U. S. A., where football 
players and the sons of American millionaires eke out an education. 

HARVEY, Doctor W. , a physician who learned in 1619 that his patients had 
blood which circulated. The discovery has since been of some profit to 
his successors. 

HEINZ, of Pittsburg, Pa. A man who never tried to conceal his name. 

Sold American baked beans, catsup, and fifty-five other varieties to the 

HELENA, Saint, Constantine's mother. She built a few churches (also see 
Napoleon ) . 

HEMANS, Mrs., poetess who gave to the world that rich, soulful, and 
exquisite poesy, "The Boy Stood on the Burning Deck." It is said the 
poem has been parodized. 

HENRY, Pat., an Irish-American politician who demanded liberty or death. 
From all that can be ascertained he secured the latter. 

HERCULES, the Sandow of the ancients, promoter of the Olympic games and 
laborer. H. claimed to have done some things which are even questioned 
by the partisans of Doctor Cook. Killed about everybody, erected two 
pillars, stole some apples, and, in short, did everything but enter 
politics or invent a breakfast food. Ambition: The thirteenth labor. 
Recreation: Muscle development, travel. Address: The Pillars. Clubs: 
Athletic. Epitaph: Now Is A Mighty Man Fallen. 

HIAWATHA, American Indian who permitted his wife to starve to death 
simply for the want of proper nourishment. Many claim a great American 
poet used bad taste in writing the biography of such a man. 

HICHENS , ( 4 ) Robert, planter of the Garden of Allah. Experimented with 
belle donna. H. is still in Who's Who, and multitudes of readers hope 
he will remain there for some time to come. Ambition: Sales. Recreation: 
Filling his fountain pen or cleaning typewriter. Address: Care of the 
Publisher. Home: Sicily. 

(4) Ed. Note: The editor hopes to meet Mr. Hichens some day, and is 
compelled to make the biography flattering. 

HILL, Samuel, a man who did things in a hurry. Also a celebrated rain 

HOBSON, American-Spanish War hero who lowered his ideals and went to 
Congress. Later he became a temperance lecturer. Was heard by great 
crowds. Produced statistics to show how few saloons failed after a 
lecture . 

HOLMES, Sherlock, detective. When a child he devoured inexpensive 
literature and theatres. This fired his mind to eliminate Scotland Yard 
as a crime-detecting agency. Entered the profession of a detective, but 
was unknown until Doctor Watson pulled him into print. His fortune was 

22 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

then made. All the society scandals were placed in his hands, and if he 
only told what he knew about society — ! H. solved the most complicated 
mysteries with a stroke of his hypodermic needle, and was only baffled 
in locating the murderer of Cock Robin. His name struck terror into the 
hearts of criminals and competing publishers. After all the criminals 
in England had been jailed or hung he was killed by an author, but the 
great H. solved the mystery of the grave and came back to life in time 
to see his murderer knighted. Now at work on the suffragette case. 
Ambition: Another Dr. Watson. Recreation: Fond of Doyle's works and the 
violin. Address: 31 Baker Street. Clubs: London Prison Society. Epitaph: 
Au Revoir, But. 

HOMER, travel writer, mythology expert, and journalist. Began career as 
a reporter on the Athens "Times." Was discharged for incompetence, and 
took up honest writing. Found a publisher who thought his writings would 
sell to posterity. Later H. took charge of the Ulysses Tours. Was war 
correspondent for the Greek associated press at the siege of Troy. 
Ambition: Fewer classics and more money. Publication: See libraries and 
school rooms. Address: Care Athens. Clubs: Literary, Fourth Estate. 

HOOD, Red Riding, a brave little girl who escaped alive from a wolf 
which had previously partaken of a relative. 

HOOD, Robin, a fine robber of merry England who took from the rich and 
gave to the poor, and made cracker jack material for stories. 

HOOD, Sarsaparilla, the manufacturer of another remedy for Harvey's 

HOPE, the most beautiful woman who ever lived. She was a near relation 
of Ambition. Discovered the words "wish" and "if" and gave her name to 
the world. She was the first woman to manufacture ideals, and has been 
made the patron saint of the suffragettes (see Suffragette). H. went 
about making life worth while. She was loved by all those millions of 
lovers and all those millions of men and women who endeavored to do 
things. Ambition: The discouraged. Recreation: Success. Address: Perhaps 
she has resided in your home. 

HORACE, Quintus Horatius Flaccus, a rhymester of Greece who sang and 
drank of the Falernian wine. 

HORATIUS, Roman bridge tender who saved the city, and swam the Tiber 
without getting stuck in the mud. 

HOUR, The Man of the, most popular and versatile man who ever lived. 
Attracted tremendous attention. Newspapers printed his picture and ran 
long articles about his life, family, eccentricities, etc. Won fame in 
war, science, pulpit, aviation, stage, art, music, politics, literature, 
finance, by saving a life and in exploring. His accomplishments were 
infinite. H. was lionized by royalty, society, and beautiful women. Made 
addresses, gave interviews, received honors. He was the man everyone 
wanted to shake by the hand so they could tell other people they had 
done it. Ambition: Another hour. Recreation: Basking. Address: All 
countries. Clubs: All open. 

HUERTA, Victoriano, a Mexican who made it necessary to employ extra 
telegraphers and throat lotions at the White House. He also was 
responsible for the phrase, "The Mexican Situation. " 

HUR, Benjamin, chariot racer, actor. Appeared in all large cities. 

23 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

showed his noble figure, raced his horses, downed the villain, packed 
up, and moved to the next town. 

HURST, William Randolph, father of the American unwhitened newspapers. 
Democrat. Started life in a humble manner, only controlling a few 
newspapers. He soon purchased others. His magical touch changed their 
color. Employed the greatest staff of imaginary geniuses ever gathered 
together. These men had the ability to write unhampered by mere details 
or facts. H. also employed many good lawyers and used them frequently. 
Fortified by his constituents, to wit: the aforesaid geniuses and 
newspapers, H. entered politics as a candidate for anything. Was always 
Bryaned and Roosevelted. Ambition: Same as Bryan. Recreation: Reading 
yellow journals. Address: All large American cities. Epitaph: The Vote 
Is Mightier Than The Pen. 

HYDE, Mr. (See Dr. Jekyll.) 


IBYCUS , a Grecian poet who improved poetry by permitting words to rhyme 
at the ends of the lines. 

ICARUS, father of aviation. Record holder for the first tumble. Selected 
water as the spot for his fall, and was not picked up with the debris. 
Ambition: A Wright machine. Recreation: Tuning up. Address: Greece. 
Clubs: Aero. 

IEKATERINOGRADSK, of Russia. Little is known of his life except that 
he built a celebrated fort to protect the poor Cossacks from the 
molestations of the populace. Was probably blown up or died in prison. 

INGERSOLL, first man to bring the price of turnips to within the reach 
of authors and artists. Historians claim he would have made another 
fortune had he lived when the sun-dial trust had its own way. 

INGERSOLL, Robt . G., one of those contented souls who did not believe in 
anything, and made a fortune by telling people what he believed. 

INNOCENT, thirteen popes. Address: Rome. 

IRVING, Washington, a pleasing American writer who visited Westminster 
Abbey, made Rip Van Winkle wake up, and wrote a few biographies. 

ISAAC (last name unknown), s. Abraham and Sarah. (5) Spent his childhood 
like all little Isaacs and later married Rebecca, claimed by historians 
to have been a Jewess. Had two famous sons, Esau and Jake (see both, but 
especially the latter). Died at the tender age of 180 years. 

(5) Ed. Note: The editor apologizes for a seeming familiarity He did his 
best to ascertain the lady's last name, but failed. 

ISABELLA, a Spanish queen who vowed she would not change her clothes 
until the Moors were driven from the country. Her husband, the king, 
raised an army and accomplished the feat. I.'s name is sometimes 
connected with the discovery of America. This, however, is an error, as 
Columbus took a more active part. 

24 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

ISAIAH, a prophet who wore second-hand clothing. 

ISHMAEL, son of Abraham, whose appearance complicated his father's 
estate. Traveled extensively in the desert with his mother. 


JACK, the man who kept company with Jill. Occupation: Water carrier. 
Killed while at work. Ambition: An artesian well in the valley. (See 
Jill. ) 

JACOB, birthright speculator, traveler, s. Isaac, and brother of Esau. 
Was mother's pet. Became proficient as a character impersonator, but 
never went on the stage. Left home suddenly. Slept on a stone and had 
hard dreams. Later married, and was responsible for Joseph and his 
brethren. (See Joe.) 

JAEGER, Doctor Gustav, claimed his underwear kept him warm. 

JAMES, Jesse, an American westerner who murdered, stole, and appeared in 
paper novels for the benefit of the messenger boy, the author, and the 
publisher . 

JAMES, King, a Scotchman who was considered good enough to be elected 
king of England. 

JANOS, H., manufacturer of a popular beverage. 

JAPHETH, third officer of the Ark. 

JEFFERSON, Joe, a fine old memory. 

JEFFREYS, James J., formerly a prize fighter, who carried his gloves and 
bluff once too often to the ring. (See Johnson.) 

JEKYLL , Doctor, a physician who took a dose of his own medicine. 

JEW, Wandering, an ancient Hebrew who has been going over the face of 
the earth for centuries, only stopping at the call of such men as Eugene 
Sue and Lew Wallace. 

JILL, Jack's girl. She was assisting her fiance when the accident 
occurred . 

JOB, prehistoric millionaire who had his ups and downs. Like all rich 
men, he had a good young manhood, saved his money, and entered the 
market. Formed the camel trust and cornered the real estate market. The 
market tumbled and so did J. Family troubles also distressed him. His 
camels died of the colic or were stolen. J. went broke. Even in hard 
luck he patronized the temple, and believed while there was money it 
could be had. Started in business again with a small capital, remarried, 
and ended his days ahead of the game. Ambition: A chance at the New York 
Stock market; death to his comforters. Recreation: Sackcloth and ashes. 

JOHNSON, John, called "Jack," one-time black champion prize-fighter of 
the world, who learned that too much chicken, automobile, and champagne 

25 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

made even a colored gentleman a "waser." 

JOHNSON, Samuel, no relation of the above. Employed the greatest press 
agent the world has ever seen, and was thus made famous. Also wrote. 

JONAH, traveler, whaler, and lucky dog. Became renowned for taking a 
rough trip to sea. Was thrown overboard because he was the jonah. Swam 
until he was tired, and finally made a morsel for a fish. Tradition has 
it that J. was tough and indigestible. He remained three days and three 
nights in the interior of the whale, causing the animal considerable 
annoyance when he exercised. Was later mal de mared, swam ashore, and 
thanked his lucky stars for his indigestibility and the illness of his 
rescuer. His story was published. Still causes some comment. Tradition 
also says that J. never could look a fish in the face after the 
harrowing incident. Ambition: Dry land. Recreation: Mountain climbing. 
Address: Sodom. Clubs: Alpine. 

JONATHAN, a man who loved King David more than a successor. 

JONES, John, made a fortune for Europe by inventing the picture 

JONES, John Paul, an American admiral who scared England, and was only 
prevented from capturing London by the unimportance of the place. 

JOSEPH, a Hebrew-Egyptian politician. Born in Judea. When a young man 
he became his father's favorite, while his brethren had to do the heavy 
work. Wore a loud coat. This aroused the ire of his brethren, resulting 
in Joe being sold as a slave, and in the coat being sent to the 
cleaners. J. journeyed to Egypt, where he refused to elope with the 
Pharaohess. Her husband, the Pharaoh, out of gratitude, put J. in 
prison, and afterward made him the royal butler. Years passed. A 
famine occurred in Judea. Joe's brethren came down to Egypt to lay in 
provisions. There they were confronted by the coatless Joe, who thanked 
them for the good luck they had thrust upon him. 

JOSEPHINE, only one of that great multitude of women who carried a heart 
which was broken by the ambitions of a man. 

JUDAS, suicide. 

JUDY, Mrs. Punch, but usually unconventionally called by her first 
name. She suffered considerable annoyance at the hands of her husband, 
although she frequently hen-pecked him. Went on the puppet stage for a 
few hundred years, displaying her domestic infelicity. 

JULIET, a celebrated sweetheart who permitted her lover to make love 
on a balcony. Her history was written by one Shakespeare, and had a 
splendid sale. (See Romeo.) 

JUPITER, boss of the ancient gods, father of most of them, and a regular 
Frenchman. Ambition: To run everything. Recreation: Killing giants, 
disguising himself as a swan, etc. Address: Olympia. 

JUSTICE, only a mythological character whose statue has been frequently 
erected. She had eye trouble. In the United States J. carried scales 
with a small statue of politics in one pan, and money in the other. 

Her statues in other countries are said to be different, although 
occasionally the little statues are found in the pans. 

26 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 


KAISER, T. H. E., alias Emperor William, "Bill" to his friends; a German 
of some prominence, who caused heartfailure in Europe, considerable 
comment in England, and much applause in his own country. Was also 
a naval constructor. Born of royal parents. Inherited his father's 
position. At a tender age he formed a passion for an army. Like all 
royal children, he had his own way. His plaything has grown steadily, is 
in fine condition, but is only used for parading and scaring purposes. 
His later years were spent in making additions to the fleet, but for 
what purpose even the wisest sages could not guess. K. was also honored 
by a visit from T. Roosevelt (see the Wonder) on his exhibition through 
Europe. It is said he could not learn anything from his adviser. 

Heir: The crown prince. Ambition: His army applied to the socialists. 
Recreation: Army. Address: Army. Clubs: Army. 

KEELEY, Doctor, water-wagon manufacturer. Claimed fame solely on account 
of the invention which prevented men from going home to a scolding 
without the assistance of lamp posts. Declared his cure was as good as 
gold. Was strongly opposed by John Barleycorn and his friends. Never 
cared for New York, London, or Paris. K.'s end never has been made 
public. Historians are endeavoring to ascertain whether he practiced 
what he preached. Ambition: Large breweries. Recreation: Getting away 
from business. Address: All large cities. Clubs: W. C. T. U. 

KHAYYAM, Omar, a fine old Persian who wrote a beautiful and heartfelt 
commentary on headache producers. Ambition: More grapes. Recreation: A 
flask, books, and a Persian "thou." Epitaph: He Certainly Practised What 
He Preached. 

KIDD, Captain, the man who spent his life burying the treasure which 
several people have been sure they could locate. Was said to have been 
one of the finest men who ever scuttled a ship. 

KILLER, Jack The Giant, a man who combined his name and accomplishments. 

KIPLING, Rudyard, an English writer who has not been knighted. 

KNOX, John, of Edinburgh. He was the man who introduced the kirk into 
Scotland, but failed to launch the collection plate. 

KRUGER, Oom Paul, an Old Dutch cleanser who certainly made England scrub 
up . 

KUBELIK, Jan, the only violinist who never gave a farewell concert. 


LACHAISE , Pere, confessor of Louis XIV for thirty-four years. He was 
such an attentive listener and heard so much that the leading cemetery 
in Paris was named in his honor. 

LAMB, Charles, one of those immortals who forgot his life of tears to 
place smiles on paper. 

27 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

LANGTRY, Mrs., the Sarah Bernhardt of England less considerable talent. 
Ambition: Those old time lovers. 

LA0C00N, a Trojan priest who suffered with delirium tremens. Together 
with his sons he posed for his statue while encumbered with a bad 
attack. Address: Vatican, Rome. 

LAURIE, Annie, of Maxwelton. The only woman in history who had a brow 
like a snowdrift. Also the only good-looking lassie in Scotland to whom 
Burns did not write a few poems. L. was engaged to be married; no record 
of the ceremony can be found. 

LAW, Andres Bonar, a Scotchman who gave up the iron business to become 
a mere member of Parliament. Is said to have spoken on Irish questions. 
Ambition: (?). Recreation: Travel, except in the south of Ireland. 
Address: Parliament. This will probably hold good for several editions 
of Who Was Who. Clubs: Conservative, of course. 

LAW, (6) Mother-in-, no relation of the above. A much-abused ancient 
whose life and story has been written by malicious biographers. In 
reality L. was a kind soul who invited us to dinner, permitted the gas 
to be turned down, and always knocked before she came into the room. 
Later she wiped the dishes, took care of her grandchild (see Baby), 
helped pay the bills, and told the neighbors what a fine son-in-law she 
had. Ambition: Daughter. Recreation: Our house. Address: Our house most 
of the time. Clubs: Suffrage. 

(6) Ed. Note: The editor will not be held responsible for the accuracy 
of the above. 

LAWSON, Thomas W. , just a squeeler. 

LEDA, see mythology books, paintings, and statuary. Also Jupiter, 

Castor, and Pollux. 

LEE and PERKINS, discoverers of Worcestershire sauce and royal saucerers 
to the king. 

LEHAR, Frank, the man who assisted the Merry Widow to make her debut. 
Also was the press agent for Mr. Maxim, of Paris. Ambition: To find 
another widow. 

LEONORE, became famous because she had a lover who left her with a good 

LEOPOLD, King, of the Congo and Belgium. Has not been dead long enough 
for historians to make him famous. Ambition: Song, women, and wine. 
Recreation: Wine, women, and song. Address: Several in Brussels. 

Epitaph: Quantum Mutatus Ab Illo. 

LIBERTY, a huge lady who guards New York harbor, and welcomes Italy and 
Poland to the United States. 

LIMBURGER, of Germany. Manufacturer of a self-advertising cheese. 

LIPTON, Sir Thomas, a knighted Irishman who advertised tea with 
Shamrocks, and one of the men of his race who did not enter politics or 
the police force. Ambition: That cup. 

28 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

LISZT, Frank, a piano player who wore long hair, wrote music, and played 
the piano. 

LLOYD, the man who will insure anything except the prospects for the 
sale of this book. 

LORELEI, said to be a beautiful German lady who always hides herself 
when the tourist goes down the Rhine. 

LOT, Mrs. Lot's husband. 

LOT, Mrs., the only woman who had an inquisitiveness which became 
practical. She also was considered one of the salt of the earth. 

LOUIS I, 778-840, called the Debonnaire. Introduced cafe's into France. 
Put the "is" in Paris. 

LOUIS II, 846-879. Introduced chorus girls into France. Patron of 
cafe ' s . 

LOUIS III, 882-936. Introduced champagne into France. Continued the 
works of his predecessors. 

LOUIS IV, 936-954. Introduced high heels. Continued the work of his 
predecessors . 

LOUIS V, 966-987. Introduced absinthe. 

LOUIS VI, 1106-1137. Enlarged the works of his ancestors. Started 
pre-tango dancing. 

LOUIS VII, 1137-1180. Fought Germany. Inaugurated the French menu. 

LOUIS VIII, 1187-1196. Introduced the words "a la" and dressmakers into 
Paris . 

LOUIS IX, called the saint, 1215-1263. Was a good Louis. Fought the 
Turks and was taken prisoner. His subjects thought 7,000,000 francs 
worth of him. Was awarded his halo for work in the Crusades. Not a 
patron of his ancestors. Very unpopular in Paris. 

LOUIS X, 1289-1316. Reopened cafe's. Introduced the taxicab. Very 
popular . 

LOUIS XI, 1423-1483. Fought England, and died too soon to hear of the 
discovery of the United States. 

LOUIS XII, 1462-1515. Was king when the United States were discovered. 

LOUIS XIII, 1601-1643. Permitted Cardinal Richelieu to king for him. Was 
a patron of cafe's, champagne, and Paris in general. 

LOUIS XIV, called the Grand, 1638-1715. Furniture builder, salon 
decorator, wig maker, and constructor. Also assisted Paris in acquiring 
her reputation. Built Versailles, the Louvre, and Napoleon's tomb. He 
was the man who captured Alsace-Lorraine from Germany. (See Napoleon 
III.) Motto: I am the state. Ambition: Strauss waltzes at Versailles. 
Recreation: Dancing and attending to affairs of state. Address: 
Versailles . 

29 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

LOUIS XV, 1710-1774, called a Bird. He lived during the reigns of Queens 
Pompadour and Du-Barry. 

LOUIS XVI, 1754-1793. A Louis who continued the traditions of his 
ancestors, but — . Married Marie Antoinette. Introduced the turkey trot 
and the salome dance at Versailles. While his subjects were starving he 
ate pate de foies gras. They objected and carried his White Wigginess to 
Paris, where he ended his reign. Ambition: To have been any one of 
his ancestors, even No. 9. Recreation: Short walks in the jail yard. 
Address: Not permitted to receive letters. Epitaph: Easy Falls The Head 
Which Wore A Crown. 

LOUIS XVII, 1785-1795. The only Louis who did not live long enough to 
have the good times of his ancestors, and the only Louis for whom the 
world has a word of sympathy. 

LOUIS XVIII, 1775-1824, called the Last. He was the Louis who got 
back on the job after the dizziness of the Revolution and Napoleon had 
subsided . 

LOVER, T. H. E., conqueror of worlds, architect of castles, lunatic, 
and saint. Spent early days only in living. In young manhood he met Her. 
From that moment all other hers he had known became lemons. L. was an 
expert prevaricator. Polished shoes, dressed neatly, shaved every day, 
and never ate onions. Spent evenings at Her house. Detested gas 
or electric lights. Was fond of the fireplace and hands. Quarreled 
occasionally. Spent salary for theatre tickets, candy, and flowers. 
Walked on air. Had a terrible time keeping away from his friends 
who wanted him to have a good time. One night Her looked wonderfully 
beautiful. L. said some things. He could not keep quiet. Her blushed, 
permitted him to sit closer, and then told L. he was the dearest, 
sweetest, finest, biggest, noblest, bravest lovey in the wide, wide 
world. Later L. secured an embarrassing interview and visited a jewelry 
store. Diet: Poor. Ambition: A mother-in-law. Address: Her home. Clubs: 
None. Epitaph: For Men May Come and Men May Go. 

LUTHER, Martin, a German who started competition. 


McGINTY, a celebrated Irish diver. 

McGRAW, John J., Manager of the New York Baseball organization, 
frequently used by the Philadelphia Athletics to gain the world's 
championship . 

MACBETH, Lady, a royal somnambulist. 

MACKINTOSH, discoverer of a method of keeping dry outside on a rainy 
day . 

MAGELLAN, the man who got into straits and straights. 

MAN, Sand, an old fellow who visits houses blessed with a child. Only 
calls after supper. Tells the little one he has played enough for the 
day, and sprinkles some sand in his eyes. When M. departs the little 
bundle is asleep in the nursery or all cuddled up in Mother's lap. 

30 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

Ambition: Sand for the older folks. 

MANUEL, King, of England, and late of Portugal. Introduced Parisian life 
into Lisbon. Was a very sweet and very wise young man. Overlooked the 
fact that a king may rule a nation, but frequently is a poor press 
agent. Became incensed at his army and subjects. Moved in haste. 
Ambition: Lisbon and a dancing queen. Recreation: Watch bill-boards. 
Address: Watch bill-boards. Clubs: Down and Out. Epitaph: A Manuel And 
His Kingdom Are Soon Parted. 

MARAT, one of the fathers of the French Revolution, who could rule a 
city, but not a woman. 

MARCEL, Madame, of France. Discovered a good excuse for women to gaze in 
mirrors. Also caused heartfailure on a rainy day. 

MARCONI, Guglielmo, the man who made the inventors of telegraph poles 
and wires look foolish. His inventions have made it possible for New 
York stock brokers to continue their business while journeying to Paris. 

MARINER, A., traveler, albatross raiser. Gathered fame by making a 
voyage with some dead ones. His feat has frequently been duplicated on 
liners out of the regular tourist season. 

MARK, Saint, of Venice. Guarded the pigeons of his square and the 
tourist who dwelt within his canals. 

MARTINI, manufacturer of an American before-dinner drink which tastes 
too good. 

MARY, a young girl who was presented with a famous lamb. Seldom was seen 
without the animal. Conveyed it to school with her one day, thus causing 
considerable mirth among the pupils. Was severely reprimanded by the 
teacher, as it was against the regulations of the institution to permit 
animals, other than the children, in the class-rooms. M. returned the 
lamb to the stable. Her biography has been extensively published. 

MATERLINCK, a Belgian who believed the best way to get "copy" about 
himself into the newspapers was to try to keep it out. Recreation: 
Bluebird raising. 

MAXIM, patron saint of the American-English tourist in Paris, who 
introduced New York prices into a naughty cafe. When a young man he 
discovered that the tourists were not paying enough money to see the 
sights. With the assistance of some handsomely gowned women he opened a 
cafe on the Rue Royal where they could. For years it was patronized by 
his countrymen until they were ruined. Later only royalty and tourists 
were permitted to enter and form a mistaken idea of the real French 
cafe, pay double prices for everything, see a few chorus girls, hear 
champagne bottles, and talk to English-speaking waiters. Ambition: 
Americans. Recreation: Staying at home. Press Agent: The Merry Widow and 
the Girl from Maxims. Epitaph: Honi Soit Qui Mai y Pense. 

MAXIM, no relation of the above, as he only manufactured things to kill 
people, and not to financially ruin them. 

MEDICI, Katie, an Italian French woman whose past was uncovered by 
those historians. Was fond of poison, but did not care for Methodists or 
Presbyterians . 

31 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

MEDUSA, a celebrated ancient who had the delirium tremens in an acute 
stage . 

MELLIN, he was the man who tried to cheat the baby out of the bottle. 

MENDELSSOHN, wrote a tune which is usually played when a man goes to his 
fate . 

MENNEN, the manufacturer of a baby and good complexion perquisite. 
Nothing like it for your face after shaving. His picture has been widely 
distributed, but never admired. 

MERCURY, errand boy for the gods. Wore a pair of winged feet and 
feathers in his hat. Was also an artist's model. Ambition: A telegraph. 
Recreation: Same as the gods. Address: General delivery. 

METHUSELAH, an ancient who was not like one in a thousand. 

MICHEL, Saint, he kicked the devil out of paradise, and was instantly 
made the patron saint of France. 

MIKE, Pat's partner (see Pat). 

MILTON, John, wrote a Dante book, the title of which is known by 
everybody and the contents by few. 

MOET and CHANDON, two competitors of Mr. Mumm who did much to bring the 
price of champagne to within the reach of millionaires. 

MOHAMMED, inventor of the harem, and the man who introduced mormonism 
into Arabia. (See B. Young.) Also manufactured crescents, religion, and 
made Mecca the mecca for everything. Early life spent in business. This 
did not pay. He then married a widow and retired. Took up religion as a 
hobby. Became a professional. Found the sword was mightier than his 
kin. His salvation army was successful. His prisoners were given the 
alternative of a finely tempered, beauti-fully inlaid damascus blade or 
Islam. They always became fervently religious. Later M. embarked on 
a marrying campaign with equal success. Publications: The Koran, 
a treatise on everything. Ambition: The crescent on every flag. 
Recreation: Walking toward mountains; stroking his beard. Address: 23 
Blvd. Allah, Mecca, Arabia. Epitaph: A Man's Works Take After Him. 

MOLIERE , Jean B. P., a French author who wrote a few plays we do not 
have to see alone. 

MONROE, James, the founder of a doctrine, the practicability of which 
nations desire to learn, and yet do not wish to make the test. 

MORSE, Samuel G., an inventor who might have used his talents in other 
lines had Marconi lived before his time. 

MOSES, whose whereabouts in the dark has puzzled all generations. Born 
in the bullrushes of Egypt. Entered politics as the son of Pharaoh's 
daughter and the leader of the Ghetto. When M. waxed astute, after the 
manner of his people, he discovered there were not sufficient shekels 
for himself and countrymen in the land of Egypt. He pleaded and plagued 
the king for permission to close the pawn shops and clothing stores. Now 
in those days the children of Egypt were wont to patronize the bazaars 
of the children of the Chosen, and Pharaoh was wroth within himself and 
refused the passports. The brave rabbi closed the kosher meat stores and 

32 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

took ship's leave. Adopting an original compass, he made forced marches 
to the Red Sea. Here the synagogue was overtaken by Pharaoh and his 
army. M. spilled the sea on them and marched on. From this time the 
journey to the Promised Land was slow. Whether this was due to good 
business or sore feet history does not relate. M. later climbed a 
mountain and received the ten commandments. After breaking them he 
returned to camp. He died before the journey was complete. Publications: 
Histories. Ambition: A railroad from Cairo to Jerusalem. Recreation: 
Tennis and camel racing. Also enjoyed tent life. Address: Care of Jewish 
Legation . 

MOSES, Holy, no relation of the above. He was the fellow who came around 
when you hit your finger with the hammer. 

MULLER, Maud, one of the few country girls who never went to New York 

MUMM , ( 7 ) the man who made the most expensive drink on earth. The 
products of his cellars are frequently purchased by persons who cannot 
afford them. They form one of the principal ingredients of a good time 
( see Paris ) . 

(7) Ed. Note: The editor is personally responsible for the above stated 
facts . 

MUNCHAUSEN, Baron, traveler, explorer. While many of his books, 
lectures, and newspaper interviews have been questioned by scientific 
men, he is held in high regard due to his failure to claim the discovery 
of the north pole. 

MUNYON, Doctor, an American herb doctor and optimist. Held the theory 
that while there was life there was a chance to sell some of his 
medicine . 

MURPHY, Charles J. See What's Who of New York City. 


NAPOLEON, a little Frenchman who wore a big hat, a little curl on his 
forehead, and whose ambitions were larger than his good luck. Started 
life by placing Corsica on the map. Like all great men, he was the 
dunce at school. Later he used his masters and prize-winning chums 
as first-row soldiers. Entered the army. Never succeeded as a sentry. 
Frequently amused himself by taking a couple of soldiers and capturing 
a city or an army between meals. The politicians in Paris saw the young 
man was not without talents. They gave him a few more soldiers. Then he 
went after countries. Captured Egypt, but had trouble with one Nelson of 
England. N. became unpopular with his neighbors. They all attacked him. 
He attacked them all. That settled it. He ate wars. After the powers 
were powerless N. scampered about Europe adding countries to France. He 
devoured Germany. Went after Russia, but they made it too hot and too 
cold for him. Had more trouble with that man Nelson. Became rich and 
divorced. Introduced Roosevelt publicity tactics into France and carried 
a third term. Started things. Began quarreling again. At last he was 
cooped up in Paris, and flew the white flag. Visited Elba. Revisited 
France. Started things again. Took some veterans to Belgium. There he 

33 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

was met by another Englishman by the name of Wellington who introduced 
him to Waterloo. For his kindness in leaving Europe England presented 
N. with a whole island, a complementary guard, and paid all his living 
expenses for six years. Later N. became responsible for one of the 
sights of Paris. Always carried his right hand in the front of his coat. 
Ambition: A French Nelson, England, and progeny. Recreation: Walking 
along the shore. Address: Fontainbleau, Europe, and At Sea. Epitaph: I 
Desire That My Ashes Shall Rest On The Banks Of The Seine Among The Few 
French People I Did Not Take To War. 


NAPOLEON III. He was the man who did not devour Germany. Ambition: Rough 
on rats for the Kaiser and Bismarck. Recreation: Travel. Address: Paris 
when the Dutchmen would permit him. Epitaph: Here Lies A Napoleon, But 
No Bonaparte. 

NARCISSUS, a lover who forgot there were other girls, and pined away 
into a flower and a tiresome song. 

NATION, Carrie, a window- smashing American liquor suffragette who 
believed the ridiculous doctrine that all men should be sober all the 
time . 

NEBUCHADNEZZAR, King, an old king whose name is blamed hard to spell. 

NEPTUNE, boss of the seas. Has charge of the Atlantic liners, wireless, 
and the seasick. Ambition: A bridge from London to New York. Recreation: 
Storms. Address: Atlantic. Clubs: Yacht. 

NERO (first name forgotten). A Roman emperor who thought nothing burned 
like a good tarred Christian. Also made fire departments a necessity in 
the Eternal City. Ambition: A good show in the Colosseum. Recreation: 
Fiddling. Clubs: Chorus Girls. Epitaph: For He Was A Jolly Good Fellow. 

NERO, Mrs., Nero's wife, who had considerable trouble with her husband. 

NEWTON, Isaac, a man who was knighted for propounding the theory that it 
is easier to wait under a tree for an apple to fall than to climb after 
it . 

NIC, Old, a friend of everybody, no matter who turns them down. Will 
stick to you clear to the end. One of those good souls who never fails 
to give encouragement and grasp you by the hand when you want to do 
something you know you should not do. Was driven from home when a young 
man. Set up competition and succeeded wonderfully. Organized the largest 
community in existence. This is steadily growing despite considerable 
opposition. N. numbers among his friends most of the great people who 
ever lived. He is counting on others. Caused much worry to mothers and 
wives, but seldom troubled the men. Publications: French literature; 
some fine books and pictures. Occupation: Looking for idle hands. 
Ambition: You. Recreation: Theatres, cabarets, music halls, cafe's, 
champagne, Mone Carlo, etc. Fond of chorus girls. Address: Paris. N. 
also travels extensively. Epitaph: Ad Infinitum. 

NIMROD, the first grouse, pheasant, and deer hunter who succeeded 
without the advantages of a gun, a game preserve, or a license. 

NOAH, ship-builder, animal tamer. A fine old ancestor who had 
considerable to do in preserving the race for we posterity. When a young 

34 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

man he shunned the ways of young men, and never sat in the seat of the 
scornful. Studied shipbuilding on the Clyde and designed the largest 
floating stable on record. Made quite a reputation as an animal 
collector. Took to the sea when well advanced in years. N. was the 
first man to descend Mt. Ararat without first making the ascension. 
Publications: The Log of the Ark. Ambition: No more floods, or a larger 
crew. Recreation: Bridge. Address: Care of the Editor. Clubs: Yacht. 
Epitaph: De Profundis. 

NOBLE, A., of Norway, the inventor of the black hand and labor union 
weapon. His invention also made possible the premature discharge of 
dynamite and the awarding of the Noble prizes. 


O'CONNELL, Dan, said to have been an Irishman. Probably born in Dublin, 
raised in Dublin. Raised cain in Dublin. Repealed in Dublin. Dublined 
in Dublin. Died in Dublin. Tradition connects his name with the early 
stages of the home rule bill. Ambition: Ireland south of Ulster. 
Recreation: Oratory. Address: Dublin. Clubs: Dublin. Favorite Color: 

O' GRADY, Sweet Rosie, also of Ireland, long dead, but still bragged 
about . 

ORANGE, William of, also of Ireland. He was the man who made it a crime 
to wear the color named after him on the seventeenth of March. (See St. 
Patrick. ) 

ORPHEUS, lutist. When a young man he was given a lute. Practised in 
obscurity, and later appeared before large audiences. Made several 
successful concert tours. Married Eurydice. Spent a happy honeymoon. 

The bride did not wear shoes. She was bitten by a serpent. She died. 

0. descended to the abode of Old Nic, and charmed him with some Grecian 
ragtime. Nic promised to return the lady if 0. would promise to get out 
of the place without looking around to see what other respectable 
people were there. 0. started for the door. He heard familiar voices and 
rubbered. That ended the contract, and for all the editor has been able 
to ascertain Eurydice is there to this day. 

OSTLER, William, a doctor who was knighted for proposing that all 
fossils should be ostlerized. Ambition: To murder the men who got that 
story into print. Recreation: Medicine. Address: Oxford. Epitaph: He 
Practised, But Not What He Preached. 

OTHELLO, of Venice. Born in Morocco. Went to Venice and fell in love 
with one Desdemona, an Italian girl. They were married. Mrs. Othello 
lost one of her favorite handkerchiefs and was killed by her enraged 
husband. Shakespeare, of England, a writer, heard of the incident and 
made some money out of it. 


PADEREWSKI, Ignace Jan, another farewell-concert giver, who wore long 

35 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

red hair, a soulful expression, insured his fingers, and broke pianos. 

PALLAS, a Grecian goddess who was metamorphosed into a raven perch by 
Poe . 

PAN, monstrosity, musical instrument maker, friend of poets. Born half a 
man and half a goat. Took after the latter. Studied music under the old 
masters and outf luted Apollo. Was also a sheep fancier. Fathered 
fife and drum corps. Ambition: A pair of shoes or a goat's appetite. 
Recreation: Hunting and falling in love. Address: Greece. Clubs: 

Musical . 

PAN, Peter, a little fellow who was a delightful actress, believed in 
fairies, and crowded houses in England and the United States. 

PANKHURST, Mrs., a celebrated English woman who terrorized a government, 
starved herself, smashed windows, blew up things, and made speeches for 
a living. Girlhood spent in developing muscle, pluck, and theories. She 
appeared before the public and declared that the liquor traffic would be 
terminated when women voted. Spent years of her life wondering why the 
men would not give them the privilege. Never cared for the ministry, 
although she was a very good woman. Ambition: A woman king. "Votes for 
Women" in the Union Jack. Recreation: Planning the "next." Publications: 
From the Cradle to the Ballot. Windows I have Smashed. Address: London. 
Care Scotland Yard. 

PANKHURST, Sylvia, a little Pankhurst who helps mamma break things. 

PANZA, Sancho, Don Quixote's interlocutor and stable boss. 

PARIS, son of the King of Tyre, who ran away with another man's wife 
named Helen. A city in France has been named to do him honor. 

PARNELL, C. S., father of the downfall of English ministries and Ulster. 
Born of Irish parents. First man to successfully explode dynamite in 
Parliament without being executed. Ambition: An Ulsterless Ireland, 
a Conservativeless England. Address: Close to the English ministry. 
Epitaph: The Bills Men Introduced Live After Them. 

PARSIFAL, the longest-winded singer who ever stepped on an opera stage. 

PASTEUR, Doctor, discoverer. Experimented with mad dogs until he came to 
the conclusion they should be shot or chained. A subway station in Paris 
has been named after him. 

PATRICK, Saint, a Scotchman who drove all the snakes out of Ireland with 
the exception of those in bottles. Also introduced the brogue and the 
shamrock into the Emerald Isle. 

PAT, also of Ireland. At an early age he emigrated to the United States. 
There he took up the hod-carrying business. Went on the stage and set 
the world laughing. He also entered politics, captured the American 
police force, and, together with his brothers in Parliament, rules Great 
Britain and the United States. 

PATTI, Adelina, a singer who said au revoir but not good bye. Epitaph: 
Cum Grano Salis. 

PEAR, (8) the man who names most of the London busses, and keeps 
the people of England clean for a penny a week. His business is 

36 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

international with the exception of Glasgow and Italy. 

(8) Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement. The editor does not use 
soap . 

PEARY, Captain Robert E. f explorer who said he reached the north pole 
and convinced a few people. Was also forced to write a book and lecture. 
Publications: How Dr. Cook Almost Got Ahead of Me. Ambition: That a 
certain man had not made him get all the way there the last time. Grave: 
The Cook incident. 

PENN, William, a man whose picture appears on all Quaker Oats boxes. An 
Englishman who left his country, bought Pennsylvania, built the slow, 
old town of Philadelphia, and hung up the American Liberty Bell. 

PERICLES, of Athens. Political boss, philosopher, and general. Secured 
his reputation through brains, a voice, and a well-oiled political 
machine. Started the golden age of Greece with a loud blast of the horn 
of plenty. 

PETER, no relation to the following. He introduced the art of chocolate 
making into Switzerland, and the art of eating it into America. 

Ambition: More children and people with sweet teeth. 

PETER, Saint, a fine old bearded saint who is an excellent bookkeeper, 
and a detester of roosters. A church in Rome has taken his name. 
Ambition: A new key. Recreation: Oiling hinges. Address: Golden gates. 

PHARAOH, of Egypt. Benefactor of Moses and Joseph. Was also the father 
of Pharaoh's daughter. Built a few pyramids, cigarette factories, and 
made a handsome mummy. 

PHILIP II, a king of Spain who, with an armada to press his suit, 
endeavored to marry a queen of England. Both the suit and the armada 
were left in the bay of Biscay, and the queen an old maid. Ambition: To 
the Inquisition with all Englishmen. Motto: Faint heart never won fair 
lady. Address: Spain. 

PINAUD, Edward, discoverer of the only thing which would have saved your 
hair . 

PINKHAM, Lydia, of vegetable compound fame. Made a fortune out of 
advertisements, little boxes of pills, and women who believed what they 

PIPER, Peter, famous picker of pickled peppers. Also held accounts 
against many people. Caused considerable worry to his creditors. 

PITMAN, Isaac, discovered a method of making political speakers more 
careful of what they said. His invention has secured wealthy husbands 
for many a pretty and poor stenographer. 

PLUTARCH, the only man who had more lives than a cat. 

PLUTO, boss of the underworld until Old Nic got on the job. Also the 
manufacturer of a morning beverage. 

PLUVIUS, E., was the fellow who always made it rain when you wanted to 
wear your new hat or go to a ball game. 

37 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

POE, Ed. A., an American poet who specialized in ravens and cold chills. 

POINCAIRE, Raymond, a Frenchman who has a splendid opportunity to get 
out of this book. 

POLLUX, Leda 1 s other twin. (See Mother and Brother.) 

POLO, Marco, F. R. G. S., traveler, discoverer, and lecturer. Began 
expeditions from Venice. Discovered China, Japan, and the Orient. 
Returned to Venice and Doctor Cooked his neighbors. He is supposed, 
however, to have visited the countries, as he produced a pair of chop 
sticks, a Chinese laundry, and some Japanese lanterns. These were 
accepted as proofs by the University of Venice. Ambition: The north 
pole . 

POMPADOUR, Madame, coiffeur. Queen of France. Said to have been a peach. 
Was a great friend of Louis XV, and helped make the dances at Versailles 
a success. Ambition: Plenty of hair. Recreation: Versailles. Address: 

See Louis. Clubs: Anti. 

POWELL-BADEN, Robert S., a warrior who retired from service and invented 
soldiers to be shot when the next big war comes along. 

PROCRASTINATOR, T. H. E., an extinct man who believed in the doctrine 
of To-morrow. He was a thief, but was never convicted. Ancient records 
state he invariably had an excuse for present inactivity, but would 
promise results the following day. Was a close friend of Failure. Put 
off everything except Death, and even did his best to keep him away 
as long as possible. Motto: No time like the future. Ambition: To 
accomplish to-morrow what the other fellow is doing to-day. Recreation: 
Always before business. Address: Nobody knows. Clubs: Many. 

PROGRESS, Pilgrim, an Englishman who made an extensive journey 
encumbered with a large pack. He visited Paris, had some hairbreadth 
escapes, was stuck in the mud, but finally returned and became 
respectable like all other Englishmen. 

PUCCINI, Giacomo, maker of tunes and curtain calls. A musician who did 
not starve, and who gave the classical name "La Faniculla del West" to 
the plain "girl of the golden west." 

PULLMAN, an American who invented an expensive means of travel. P. also 
is responsible for the vast fortunes acquired by porters. 

PUNCH, husband of Judy, and a great favorite with the children, even 
if he did beat his old wife. Led a hen-pecked life. Traveled in several 
European countries and spoke all the best-selling languages. His name 
has been given to a serious London publication. 

PYTHAGORAS, a Greek who said some people would be pigs after they were 


(9) Ed. Note: The editor apologizes for the few Q's who have been 
famous . 

38 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

QUIETUS, Fluvius, of Rome. Always put his name to everything when he 
came around. 

QUIXOTE, Don, famous knight-errant of Spain. Made some desperate 
conquests for his lady-love, and was defeated by a windmill. In all his 
defeats, however, he showed to the world that a laugh cuts deeper than a 
sword, and that satire would kill where a lance could not penetrate. The 
word quixotic is used to his commemoration. 

R ( 1 0 ) 

(10) Ed. Note: The editor apologizes for the character of the R's who 
have been famous. 

RALEIGH, Walt., one of the men who was permitted to hold hands with 
Queen Elizabeth. His other feats were the introduction of the pipe into 
England and the plug into Ireland. 

RAMESES II, an Egyptian king who went about building burial mountains, 
statues to himself, and permitting cigarettes to be named after him. 

RAPHAEL, a decorator who took paint in its raw state and made it 
worth money. Filled walls, principally in Italy, with some expensive 
paintings, and, like Angelo, used the Vatican as his studio. Ambition: 
Churches with larger walls. Recreation: Painting, art, and canvas 
weaving. Address: All galleries. 

RECAMIER , Madame, of Paris. Supplied the society column to the 
newspapers. To be invited to her salon meant that you would get plenty 
to eat, that you were somebody, that you would see somebody, and that 
you would have to wear your Sunday clothes. Her R. S. V. P.'s were 
always accepted. R. finally lost her money, and with it her friends. 
Ambition: The man of the hour. Epitaph: When She Had It She Spent It. 

REMBRANDT, Dutch painter who specialized in portraits of old ladies and 
Rembrandt. Also brought considerable fame down upon himself by filling a 
museum in Amsterdam with tourist-drawing paintings. 

REMINGTON, the man who invented a typewriter at which many pretty 
stenographers ( 11 ) sit. 

(11) Ed. Note: Advertisement for the stenographers, not the machine. 

REVIEWER, The Book, he is the fellow who said a chef-d'oeuvre like Who 
Was Who should be used for ballast. 

RHODES, Cecil, a poor boy who saved his money and purchased South 
Africa . 

RHODES, Colossus of, a giant of antiquity who was not killed by a stone. 
He rusted to death. 

RICHELIEU, Cardinal, the man who held down the throne for Louis XIII, 

39 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

and disagreed with the Duke of Buckingham. 

RITZ, innkeeper who made hotels in which we all would like to stop, but 
cannot. Ambition: Americans and English nobility. Recreation: Visiting 
his hotels. Address: Ritz and Carlton. Clubs: Does not need any. 

ROBESPIERRE, a French politician who had the opportunity of doing to his 
enemies what most politicians would like to do to theirs. Was finally 
voted out and down. 

ROBINSON, Jack, brother of Sam Hill. He claimed distinction simply 
because some people were sufficiently clever to do things before his 
name could be pronounced. 

ROCKEFELLER, John D., an American who endeavored to drive his camel 
through the eye of a needle by giving advice, building churches and 
colleges, and squeezing competitors. Like all millionaires, he was born 
penniless. R. worked hard, helped the missions out of his $3 a week, 
married, and purchased some oil fields. He struck oil. He made it in 
a trust. Then he began purchasing colleges to keep young men out of 
business. As his wealth increased his stomach and hair wore out. Could 
make seven people dizzy thinking of his money. Spent the latter portion 
of his life dodging subpoenae servers, and doubling his fortune by the 
dissolution of his business. Ambition: More churches, colleges, and less 
competition. Also another Supreme Court decision. Recreation: Golf, 
the coiffeurs, and telling young men of the futility of competition. 
Address: Courts and church. Clubs: Y. M. C. A., when he can spare the 
time from his legal and congressional investigations. 

ROCKEFELLER, John D., Jr., the little Rockefeller who will have the 
fun of spending it. He was a good boy, and told other young men how 
fortunate they were in being born poor and all about the fungus which 
grows on the root of all evil. Never knew what a good time he could have 
with his Dad's coin in Paris. Ambition: To be like father. Recreation: 
Sunday school. Occupation: Forming new trusts and enlarging the old 
ones. Clubs: Y. M. C.A. 

RODIN, August, a Frenchman who did his utmost to fill European and 
American galleries with statues at a price which would have made Mike 
Angelo a billionaire. 

ROJESVENSKY, Admiral, a great Russian admiral and sea fighter who 
gloriously defeated the fishing squadron in the English Channel. Later 
hit a snag in the Orient. 

ROMEO, Juliet's best fellow, who learned that his road to true love 
ended in a cemetery. 

ROMULUS, Remus' twin. Collaborated with his brother in home life and in 
building Rome. 

ROOSEVELT, Theodore, nom de plume, T. R. , Teddy, press agent. The 
Outlook, "I," traveler, teddy bear manufacturer, lecturer, interview 
giver, museum collector, "ME," Guildhall orator, dee-lighted, "MYSELF," 
mooser, hunter, band-wagon driver, band-wagon, Panama canal, rough 
rider, circus leader, circus, down-with-raf ter , and a former retired and 
retiring president of the United States. When a young man he spent his 
father's money by going to college, shooting lions, and raising a large 
family. During the Spanish-American War he employed a troop of rough 
riders, stormed San Juan Hill, and got into the newspapers. Made up 

40 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

his mind he would stay there. R. became governor of New York State with 
ambitions. Being a wealthy man, and capable of contributing to the cause 
of the Republican party, he was elected vice-president of the United 
States. A hand other than his own made him president. Here his newspaper 
career really began. R. first opened a three-ring circus in the White 
House, wore a rough rider hat, and told the country what a great 
president he was. The voters believed him, and did not object to four 
years more. During this administration R. successfully advertised 
himself, the family, started the Panama Canal, and appointed one William 
Howard Taft (see Poor Bill) his successor. R. then traveled through 
Africa with a magnificent body guard of photographers and newspaper men. 
After shooting a museum-full of specimens, he toured Europe and told the 
king how to king and the emperors how to emp. Returning to the United 
States he placed his hand in state politics. Fingers were badly burned. 
When it came time to elect another president, R. was tired of scene 
shifting and yearned for the bouquets of the audience. He girded up 
his loins with the robes of sanctity, placed an international Harvester 
Trust halo over his head, and proclaimed himself a second Moses who was 
destined to lead the children of America out of the Land of the Frying 
Pan into that of the Fire. With a mighty army of politicians, who also 
wanted to get back, R. started his campaign with such a huge band he 
could not hear any others. The fight was based on telling the voters 
how easily they had been deceived four years earlier in what he had told 
them concerning that "molycoddle Taft." R. was elected by the greatest 
majority in history until the ballots were hatched. Later he joined the 
ranks of William Jennings Bryan. Publications: The "I" books. Ambition: 
To get back into Who's Who and Washington. Address: The Outlook. Oyster 
Bay for newspapermen. Clubs: Founder of the Ananias. Epitaph: Same as 
Bryan ' s . 

ROTHSCHILDS, the Morgan-Rockef ellers of Europe without quite as much 
money . 

ROY, Robert, a very wicked Scotchman whom we all hope will always escape 
the police. 

RUBENS, P. P., an artist who realized styles frequently changed, and 
therefore painted fat people without their clothes. 

RUSSE, Charlotte, a pleasant creature, but one who sometimes caused pain 
after a visit. 

RUSSIA, T. H. E., Czar of, an anti-bomb loving monarch with modern 
subjects and a tenth-century brain. His childhood was spent in a 
steel-lined cage, guarded by the army and the fleet. He was crowned in 
a bomb-proof church by a thoroughly searched clergyman, only the crown, 
the crowner, and the crowned being present to witness the ceremony. 
Seldom goes about the country, as he fears the heartfelt expressions of 
his subjects. In 1908 he became mixed up with Japan. Is now economizing. 
Ambition: Only life. Recreation: Dissolving Doumas. signing death 
warrants. Address: Large packages are always opened by the servants. 

Send letters care St. Petersburg police department. Clubs: Army. 

Epitaph: It Is A Wonder He Did Not Have This Long Ago. 


SALOME, a celebrated dancer who could fill the largest opera houses 

41 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

in the world with bald heads, opera glasses, and jealous women. She is 
still in Who's Who, and probably will remain there until arrested. 

SAM, Uncle, a tall, lean, good-natured rich man who sets paces and 
spends his money. Born July 4, 1776, S. Great Britain. Godfathered 
by France. Was an impetuous baby. Education: School of experience at 
Washington. S. was assisted in early life by a number of men who took an 
interest in him. When thirty-six years of age he chastised his mother, 
but later became on excellent terms. Went in for land and colonization 
business. Succeeded. At the age of eighty-four S. suffered from a severe 
attack of internal indiscretion. Recuperated slowly. Later entered the 
trust-raising business, and devoted considerable time to politics. In 
1897 he spanked a European power, but had to take care of the children 
after the incident. S. is either Republican or Democratic. Favors the 
former, although once in awhile he desires change. Wore a goatee, long 
hair, high hat, a suit made out of the flag, smoked cigarettes, had 
bad manners, and used much slang. Publications: Bank notes. Ambition: 
Another Republican president. Address: Washington, D. C., U. S. A. 
Epitaph: (If he ever gets one he deserves it.) 

SAMSON, exponent of hair restorer and an iconoclast. When a young man he 
rehearsed his muscles until he could break a chain and lift a fat lady. 
Entered the army. Was successful until he became bald. Committed suicide 
by pushing a temple on himself. 

SANDOW, a pupil of the above, vaudeville star and coin collector. One of 
those individuals whom nature has endowed with a magnificent body, and 
sufficient brains to make money with it. 

SANTOS -DUMONT, a pre-Zeppelin-Wright air investigator who had enough 
money and sense to quit before people remarked how natural he looked. 

SAVONAROLA, a reformer of Florence, Italy, who succeeded in closing the 
cafe's, theatres, and dance halls. He was popular with the masses until 
election day. When the opposition returned they made it hot for him. 

SAWYER, Thomas, a plain American boy who was rescued from obscurity by 
Mark Twain, and became a good salesman. 

SCHLITZ, press agent of Milwaukee, U. S. A., who was successful in 
advertising himself and his town. In England he is Schwepps . 

SCHOPENHAUER, father of race suicide. Lionized by the French Republic 
and T. R. Ambition: Empty cribs. Recreation: Trips with his wife and 
children. Clubs: Mother's. 

SCOTS, Mary Queen of, a Scotch lady who is said to have been beautiful, 
who fell in love, and was one of the few women whose less attractive 
sister got the better of her. 

SCOTT, Walter, a Scotchman who secured fame without adopting the 
national characteristics. His critics claim this was the reason he 
failed in business. Wrote some books which are read by students and 
persons possessing much time. 

SEBASTIAN, Saint, the Italian who was shot with arrows and ran second 
to the apostles in the number of his portraits exhibited in European 
galleries . 

SEIDLITZ , powder manufacturer. 

42 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

SEVILLE, Barber of, a celebrated tonsorial artist who introduced the 
marcel wave and the Gillette razor into Spain. 

SHACKLETON, Ernest, another pole explorer. He was saved the ignominy of 
reaching the desired point by the shortness of rations, but he was near 
enough to become a profitable author and lecturer. 

SHAKESPEARE, William, the man who was born at Stratford-on-Avon. When a 
young man he amused himself by poaching, visiting the Hathaway cottage, 
and being the village pest. Married the inmate of the cottage and went 
to London, a city in England. S. became an apprentice actor, and was 
said to have been nearly as bad an actor as his contemporaries. His fame 
later arose due to his growing popularity. He died. S.'s birthplace is 
now one of the tourist sights of the world. More post-cards are sent 
from this town than from any of its size in Europe. The church where he 
lies buried has an immense floating congregation. S. also shared honors 
with one Bacon for writing a few plays. Ambition: Present-day prices 
in Elizabethan theatres. Recreation: Rehearsals. Address: The World. 
Epitaph: (Has been obliterated.) 

SHAMPOO, a barber of Shoo Poo, China, who introduced the art of clean 
heads into the Celestial Empire. This has since fallen into disrepute in 
that country, but is sometimes practiced in other lands. 

SHAW, G. Bernard, grouch, truth teller. An English writer who made money 
by being honest enough to tell people what they knew. S.'s enemies claim 
he would have to work should his theories be put into practice. Believes 
in socialism and wants everything. Author of considerable sarcasm, 
wit, and divided opinion as to his talents. Ambition: An Americanless 
England. Also, sales. Address: Watch bill-boards. 

SHEBA, Queen of, an ancient mere woman who matched her brains against 
the brainiest man who ever lived. She lost. 

SHEM, Noah's heir. Was first officer of the Ark. 

SHERMAN, General, secured his fame by marching to the sea and giving a 
terse definition of war. 

SHERRY, proprietor of a New York restaurant where a person feels wealthy 
while at the table and poor afterward. 

SHOE, Old Woman of the, one of those anti-race-suicide mothers whose 
family caused considerable worry. Ambition: A better job for her 
husband. Address: Shoe. Clubs: She did not have time for any, and thus 
could not be a suffragette. 

SHUSTER, Morgan, an American child who attempted to play the diplomatic 
game in Persia with grown ups. Was spanked and sent home. Occupation: 
Crying. Ambition: Ambassador to a country without diplomats. Address: 
Home . 

SHYLOCK. See New York City business directory. 

SIMON, Simple, epicurean. Passed an uneventful life with the exception 
of an encounter with a confectioner near the fair grounds. The man 
operated his business on a cash basis. Simon was broke and no sale was 
consummated . 

43 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

SINBAD, an old tar whose yarns are still on the distaff. 

SISTERS, Seven Sutherland, a noted family who held out salvation for the 
bald and envy to women. 

SMITH, John, the bravest man who ever lived. Smith ate the first 
lobster . 

SMITH, John, secured his renown for living in every city in the world. 

SOCRATES. He helped introduce brains into Greece. Committed suicide. 

SOLOMON, King, author, musician, builder, benedict. An old Mormon 
who established a record for wearing wedding clothes. When a child he 
developed a Boston brain. This grew as the years advanced. At a tender 
age he began acquiring mothers-in-law. This caused his subjects to doubt 
his acumen. S. thoroughly vindicated himself, and set about building 
a city and a big church to hold his family. Wrote a number of popular 
songs. His proverbs also had a big sale. Ambition: Just one more wife 
and an end to those quarrels in the harem. Recreations: Picnics with 
the family. Also was fond of the phonograph. Address: Care the Mrss. 
Solomon. Epitaph: Here Lies The Original Man Who Knew It All. 

SON, Prodigal, tourist, oat sower, and herdsman. Son of wealthy parents. 
Became tired of home and desired to travel. Visited foreign lands and 
had a jolly good time. His letter of credit expired. Friends were never 
at home after the event. S. had to work. Later he took a bath and walked 
home. Father was delighted and gave a banquet in his honor. Unpopular 
with his brother. Career: Wild. Satisfaction: Saw something of life. 
Address: Home. 

SOUSA, John P., American bandmaster who wrote books and shot pigeons 
between march compositions. 

SPENCER, Herbert, a scientist who believed the human race degenerated 
from monkeys, and established the theory that only the survivors are the 
fittest . 

SUFFRAGETTE, T. H. E., a woman who lived years ago in Great Britain 
and the United States, who believed that noble man was incompetent, 
incomplete, incompatible, incongruent, inconsistent, and an incubus in 
his incurious incumbency. She was the daughter of Too Much Time and Too 
Much Money. Early days spent at home. She married and began her career. 
S.'s first weakness was a club. Then she fell to the level of a speech 
maker and a flag carrier. The fanatical desire to see her name in print 
led to the adoption of strenuous press-agent tactics. She died fighting. 
Ambition: To offset her husband's vote on election day. Recreation: 
Parading, windows, bombs, letter boxes, English ministries, and a string 
of etcs. Epitaph: Requiescat In Pace. (Also see Mrs. Pankhurst and 
Hope . ) 

SUFFRAGETTE, T. H. E. Anti-, still lives, but is dying fast. Belongs to 
the moss-back half of femininity. Has serious objection to use of her 
head, except for decorative purposes. Was not averse to press notices 
and looked with envy on the achievements of the suffragettes in this 
direction. Being denied high office in their ranks because of lack of 
adequate cerebration, she set up a rival organization where brains were 
not requisite. Entertains the utterly absurd idea that all women, except 
herself, belong at home with their husbands and children. Where they 
belong in the absence of these, deponent sayeth not. Ambition: Continued 

44 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

parasitic existence. Recreation: Manufacturing evidence and tagging on 
behind. Address: Wherever there are suffrage meetings. Epitaph: Alas! 
The World Does Move And She Was "Agin It." 

SULZER, William, the kettle who called Murphy black. Also the governor 
of New York who enjoyed the unprecedented honor of retiring from office 
in order that he might be considered a progressive. Motto: Be sure your 
sins will get you out. Ambition: To be a martyr to the claws. Diet: 
Tigers. Epitaph: You May Air, You May Perfume Your Clothes As You Will, 
But The Smell Of Impeachment Will Cling To You Still. 


TAFT, William Howard, a former fat, and last Republican, president 
of the United States who worshipped the trusts, the Constitution, the 
Supreme Court, and Theodore Roosevelt. The love he bore the latter 
resulted in his election. The two brothers quarreled because Bill would 
not step aside and let Teddy run things all over again. The two brothers 
fought and another ran away with the election. Principal events during 
T.'s administration: Roosevelt's trip. The Outlook, Oyster Bay, Standard 
Oil, That election. Ambition: 1916. Recreation: Golf, messages to 
Congress. Address: Cincinnati, 0. Epitaph: How Sharper Than A Serpent's 
Tooth It Is To Have A Thankless Predecessor. 

TANGLEFOOT, he was the man who first stuck flies on flypaper. 

TANGUWAY , Eva, an actress who did not care even if those on the front 
row did. 

TENNYSON, Lord, an English poet who turned a perpetual light on a 
charging brigade. 

TERRY, Ellen, a dear old lady whom the world wishes the footlights might 
always shine upon and upon whom the curtain would never descend. 

THAW, Harry K. , famous lawyer endower. Entered life as the rich son of a 
wealthy father. Became interested in the stage at an early age, but only 
got as far as the chorus. Later performed on a New York roof garden. 
Alienists say he was the sanest crazy man and the craziest sane man 
who ever lived. Also obtained some publicity by expensive exploring 
in Canada and New Hampshire. Ambition: Wreaths for Jerome. Recreation: 
Straightening jackets. Address: See this morning's paper. 

THEMISTOCLES , a Greek warrior who fought, but did not run a marathon. 

THIRD, Richard the, a king of England who showed how much he thought of 
the country by offering to exchange it for any kind of a horse. 

THUMB, Thomas, a white pygmy who enriched himself through his 
misfortunes and the curiosity of the world. 

TIBERIUS, just a Roman emperor who fitted the job. 

TIFFANY, (12) of New York City, London, and Paris. Introduced high prices 
into the jewelry business. Greatly admired by fiance's and millionaires. 
Has gained considerable fame, as his products will pawn on a good 
margin. Ambition: A man in love. 

45 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

(12) Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement, as the editor is not an 
actress . 

TIME, Father, a very old man who has been introduced to everybody. Very 
unpopular with the ladies. A great wound and sorrow healer, but unkind 
to the old. He went about the world changing babies into men and women, 
and placing gray hair and wrinkles where they were never wanted. Author: 
Of tears. Recreation: Reaping. Address: Your home. Epitaph: Ad Finem. 

TINTORETTO, a Venetian painting manufacturer. Together with P. P. 

Rubens he held the record for covering canvas and wearing out brushes. 
Recreation: He never had any. 

TITIAN, another painter of Venice. His works have always been popular 
with the men. They are exhibited in all European galleries, and cause 
consternation among clergymen and school teachers. T. certainly could 
paint. Ambition: Models. Recreation: Models. 

TOLSTOY, a voice out of the dark. 

TOM. (See Richard and Harry.) 

TOM, Uncle, an old negro actor who appeared in every city, town, 
village, and hamlet in the United States north of the Confederate 
States. His history was written by Mrs. H. B. Stowe, and was the match 
which kindled the Civil War. The Northerners have since learned that all 
negroes are not Uncle Toms, and are wondering whether any mistakes were 
made back in 1861. 

TOURISTS, T. H. E., a man and woman who carried a camera, bought 
post-cards, read Baedekers, visited Cook's office, rode in carriages, 
and then told their friends all about the trip. Ambition: Just one look 
at everything. Address: Principally Europe. Epitaph: They Came, They 
Saw, They Vanished. 

TROY, Helen of, a peach of a girl who eloped with a man and caused the 
longest siege in history to make her elope back again. 

TURNER, J. M. W. , an English painter whose paint exploded on canvas. 

TWAIN, Mark, an American who wore long white hair, made after-dinner 
speeches, received university degrees, and made people laugh. 

TWINS, Siamese, two men who were closer than brothers. 

TWIST, Oliver, one of those unfortunates whose history had to be 
divulged for the financial gain of a great writer and many theatrical 
mangers . 


UFFIZI , an Italian who prevented scores of the old masters from starving 
to death by filling his house in Florence with their canvases. Since the 
Morgan art raid the market price has advanced and U.'s investment has 
become profitable. 

46 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

ULYSSES, warrior, inventor, and traveler. Sprang into fame at the siege 
of Troy, where he invented the horse which recaptured Helen. Escaped 
from Polyphemus, a one-eyed giant, by sticking a burning telegraph pole 
in his eye. Later performed his greatest feat by evading the Sirens. 
Stayed away from home so much his wife forgot what he looked like. His 
dog, however, recalled the scent and prevented U. from sleeping in the 
barn. Press Agent: Homer. Recreation: Travel, wars. Address: Ithaca. 

UNDERWOOD, Oscar, known as Underwood Bill. A gentleman from Alabama 
who walked in a presidential, but ran in a senatorial, race. He had 
something to do with the high cost of tariffing. 

UNKNOWN, the man who painted thousands of pictures in art galleries. 


VALESQUEZ, Spanish canvas coverer. In the absence of the camera, he was 
appointed the court oil photographer. Exposed a portrait of Philip IV in 
every gallery in the world. Art textbooks think a great deal of V. 

VANDERBILT, an American family of means who possess a few railroads, 
much of New York City, some splendid divorces, and a weakness for 
Newport and newspapers . 

VAN DYKE, beard inventor and artist. A Dutchman who invaded England with 
portraits and his tonsorial achievement. 

VAN HOUTEN. He was the man who put cocoa in tin boxes. 

VENUS, a dream of a girl who lived long ago, posed for her statue, and 
had to die after everybody fell in love with her. Was born and painted 
at sea. Married at an early age. Was a regular heart breaker. V. had an 
affair with one Adonis, and later with Vulcan. Not much is known of her 
old-ladyhood, as she refused to pose for statues when advanced in 
years. Ambition: Parisian gowns, the love of the gods. Recreation: Love. 
Address: The Louvre, Paris. The Uffizi Gallery, Florence. Clubs: She was 
too good looking to be a suffragette. 

VERSONNESE, Paul, decorator of the Doges Palace, Venice, and contributor 
to most galleries. His work was nearly as prolific as Reubens, and two 
or three of his paintings compare favorably with the naughty Titian. 

VESPASIAN, the man who built the colosseum in Rome for the tourists. 

VESPUCCI, A., an enterprising journalist who arrived on the scene after 
the discovery had been made. V. wrote the story in such a clever manner 
he succeeded in cheating the discoverer out of naming the place. (See 
Columbus . ) 

VICTOR, he was the man who put the fox terrier in front of the talking 
machine . 

VINCI, Leonardo Da, painted Mona Lisa for the Louvre, Paris. His 
reputation has soared in proportion to the duration of her absence. 
Ambition: To be the Morgan family painter. Recreation: Looking for 
purchasers. Epitaph: He Has Finished His Last Supper. 

47 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

VIRGIL, an old text-book writer. Had something to do with the AEneid. 

VIRGIN, Vestal, an old maid of Rome who was locked up in the forum for 
protection. She attended the gladiatorial contests and played with her 
thumbs . 

VITUS, Saint, dancing master whose repertoire did not include the turkey 
trot . 

VOLTAIRE, a Frenchman who went around with a bad taste in his mouth. 

VULCAN, fireman and tinsmith. Made a number of celebrated forgings. Had 
a career like the ancients and fell in love with Venus. 


WAGNER, Dick, a Dutchman who wrote a few sheets of music, went into the 
opera business, but died before the good singers or Hammerstein prices 
appeared . 

WALKER, Johnnie, 1820. Spent most of his life at your favorite bar until 
you appeared. 

WALTON, Isaac, he was the fellow who started those awful fish stories. 

WASHINGTON, George, child model, father, etc. Spent early days chopping 
trees, holding conversations with his father, killing Indians, and 
being brave. Later he drove those tea-selling Englishmen from the United 
States, said farewell to his troops, and became a politician. W. decided 
he was not good enough for a third term and retired. His picture has 
been widely distributed. Ambition: To be the happy father of a big 
Uncle Sam. Recreation: Powdering his wig. Address: Washington. Clubs: 
Anti-Ananias . 

WASHINGTON, Booker T., only a distant relation of the above. A big black 
man who went about the country raising money to put brains into ivory. 

He also told his audience how unfortunate they were in not being coons. 
(See Uncle Tom.) 

WATSON, Doctor. He boswelled Sherlock Holmes. 

WEBSTER, Dan., an American statesman and a member of Congress before the 
invention of investigating committees. He died famous. 

WEBSTER, Noah, speller, writer, reference-book maker, and language 
itemizer. W. was the man to whom Mark Twain paid a glowing tribute by 
saying he was a great writer, but his stories were too short. 

WELLINGTON, Duke of, an Englishman who taught a great French general to 
say "Tout est perdu." He later taught England that many a good soldier 
makes a poor politician. 

WHITEHEAD, of Fiume, Austria. Mission in life was to reduce the size of 
dreadnaughts . 

WHITTINGTON, Richard, proprietor of a celebrated back-fence walker. 

48 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

WIDOW, Merry, a dream who hung around Mr. Maxim's restaurant in Paris, 
made love to nobility, toured the world, and finally died. Death was 
caused by overexertion. Before the war she was engaged to a Balkan 
prince. W. visited New York, London, and Paris. Everybody fell in love 
with her and whistled her praises. Past: (?) Press Agent: Frank Lehar. 
Ambition: Millionaires. Recreation: After 11.45 P. M. Epitaph: When Will 
There Be Another Like Her? 

WIGGS, Mrs., a woman who successfully advertised cabbages. 

WILLIAMS. He was the man who ruined the shaving-mug business. 

WILSON, Puddin ' Head, a young lawyer who was fathered by Mark Twain. No 
relation to the following. 

WILSON, Woodrow, one time president of an American football, educational 
institution, who outgrew his job. He moved up to be governor, made a few 
cure-all speeches, introduced Roosevelt to Bryan, changed his address 
to Washington. Took out a watchful, waiting policy. Is now in Who's Who, 
but whether he will remain in that publication or this one cannot be 
determined at the time of going to press. Ambition: To keep Roosevelt 
and Bryan running. Recreation: Teaching, Browning, other brain 
exercises, thinking. Congress. Address: Washington, care Joseph Tumulty. 
Clubs: Pedagogue, Mexican. 

WINSLOW, Mrs., known over the world as the lady who soothes the baby's 
little tummie. 

WONDERLAND, Alice of, traveless discoveress. Made a lady of the Royal 
Geographical Society. She was a great favorite of the children and many 
grown ups. She always will remain a Who's Whoess. 

WOOLSEY, Cardinal, a churchman who combined politics with his 
profession, became wealthy, unfortunate, and was finally written up by 
Shakespeare . 

WRIGHT, Orville, one of the inventors of the aeroplane who knows the 
inside of the business, and believes one life on the ground is worth two 
in the air. 

X( 13 ) 

(13) Ed. Note: The editor is again compelled to apologize for the X's. 

XENOPHON, a Greek who endeavored to introduce morals into his country. 
He died young. 

XYLOPHONES, inventor of the xylophone. 


YALE, Eli, founder of the enemy of Harvard and Princeton. Football, 

49 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

pipe, and bulldog fancier. 

YORICK, an acquaintance of Hamlet who was recognized even in an 
emaciated condition. 

YOUNG, Brigham, the man who introduced Mohammedanism into the United 
States and placed Utah on the flag. When a young man he became a strong 
anti-monogamist. Moved west with his wives. Utah increased in population 
and was admitted as a state. After building a great temple, dedicated to 
Hymen, he died, leaving a considerable family and a few widows. Heirs: 
See Utah census. Ambition: London and New York in Utah. Address: Utah. 
Clubs: Race Suicide. Epitaph: Like Father, Like Son. 


ZANGWELL, Israel, a child of the Ghetto who believed the pen was more 
profitable than the pack. Ambition: The Promised Utopia. Recreation: 
Zangwell plays. Address: The Ghetto. Clubs: A. 0. H. 

ZANY, A. , the book reviewer who said Who Was Who was the greatest book 
ever written. 

ZEPPELIN, Ferdinand, manufacturer of wrecked dirigibles, and an aeronaut 
who knew how to land. Insurance still in vogue. Ambition: The elevation 
of the German army. Recreation: Aeronautics with the Kaiser. Address: 
Air. Clubs: Aero. 

ZOROASTER. He was the man who introduced fires into warm countries. 

He also thanks the readers in the name of the Editor for their kind 

End of Project Gutenberg's Who Was Who: 5000 B. C. to Date, by Anonymous 


***** This file should be named 984.txt or ***** 

This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: 
http: / /www. gutenberg. org/9/ 8/984 / 

Produced by Charles Keller 

Updated editions will replace the previous one — the old editions 
will be renamed. 

Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no 
one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation 
(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without 
permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, 
set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to 
copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to 
protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG- tm concept and trademark. Project 
Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you 
charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you 

50 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the 
rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose 
such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and 
research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do 
practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is 
subject to the trademark license, especially commercial 
redistribution . 




To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free 
distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work 
(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project 
Gutenberg" ) , you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project 
Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at 
http: // . 

Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm 
electronic works 

l.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm 
electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to 
and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property 
(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all 
the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy 
all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. 

If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project 
Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the 
terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or 
entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph l.E.8. 

l.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be 
used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who 
agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few 
things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works 
even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See 
paragraph l.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project 
Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement 
and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic 
works. See paragraph l.E below. 

l.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" 
or PGLAF ) , owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project 
Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the 
collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an 
individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are 
located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from 
copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative 
works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg 
are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project 
Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by 
freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of 
this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with 
the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by 

51 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project 
Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. 

l.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern 
what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in 
a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check 
the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement 
before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or 
creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project 
Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning 
the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United 
States . 

l.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: 

l.E.l. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate 
access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently 
whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the 
phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project 
Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, 
copied or distributed: 

This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with 
almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or 
re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included 
with this eBook or online at 

l.E. 2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived 
from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is 
posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied 
and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees 
or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work 
with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the 
work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs l.E.l 
through l.E. 7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the 
Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs l.E. 8 or 
l.E. 9. 

l.E. 3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted 
with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution 
must comply with both paragraphs l.E.l through l.E. 7 and any additional 
terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked 
to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the 
permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. 

l.E. 4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm 
License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this 
work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. 

l.E. 5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this 
electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without 
prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph l.E.l with 
active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project 
Gutenberg-tm License. 

l.E. 6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, 
compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any 
word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or 
distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than 
"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version 

52 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (, 
you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a 
copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon 
request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other 
form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm 
License as specified in paragraph l.E.l. 

I.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, 
performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works 
unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or l.E.9. 

I.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing 
access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided 

- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from 

the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method 
you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is 
owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he 
has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the 
Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments 
must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you 
prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax 
returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and 
sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the 
address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to 
the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." 

- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies 

you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he 
does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm 
License. You must require such a user to return or 
destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium 
and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of 
Project Gutenberg-tm works. 

- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any 

money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the 
electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days 
of receipt of the work. 

- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free 

distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. 

l.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm 
electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set 
forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from 
both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael 
Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the 
Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. 


l.F.l. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable 
effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread 
public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm 
collection. Despite these efforts. Project Gutenberg-tm electronic 
works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain 
"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or 
corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual 

53 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a 
computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by 
your equipment. 

of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project 
Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project 
Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project 
Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all 
liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal 

defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can 
receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a 
written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you 
received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with 
your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with 
the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a 
refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity 
providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to 
receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy 
is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further 
opportunities to fix the problem. 

I.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth 
in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER 

I.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied 
warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. 

If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the 
law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be 
interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by 
the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any 
provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. 

I.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the 
trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone 
providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance 
with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, 
promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, 
harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, 
that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do 
or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm 
work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any 
Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. 

Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm 

Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of 
electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers 

54 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists 
because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from 
people in all walks of life. 

Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the 
assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg- tm' s 
goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will 
remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project 
Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure 
and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. 
To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation 
and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 
and the Foundation web page at 

Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive 

The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit 
501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the 
state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal 
Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification 
number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at Contributions to the Project Gutenberg 
Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent 
permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. 

The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. 
Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered 
throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at 
809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email Email contact links and up to date contact 
information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official 
page at 

For additional contact information: 

Dr. Gregory B. Newby 

Chief Executive and Director 

gbnewby@pglaf . org 

Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg 
Literary Archive Foundation 

Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide 
spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of 
increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be 
freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest 
array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations 
($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt 
status with the IRS. 

The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating 
charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United 
States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a 
considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up 
with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations 
where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To 
SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any 
particular state visit 

55 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM 

While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we 
have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition 
against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who 
approach us with offers to donate. 

International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make 
any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from 
outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. 

Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation 
methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other 
ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. 

To donate, please visit: 

Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg- tm electronic 
works . 

Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm 
concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared 
with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project 
Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. 

Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed 
editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. 
unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily 
keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. 

Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: 
http: / /www. gutenberg . org 

This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, 
including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary 
Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to 
subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. 

56 of 56 

3/18/13 1:16 PM